Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The LDS Left Magazine

I'm doing a shameless promotion for this free magazine called the LDS Left magazine. It's "For Mormons who hold testimonies of the Gospel and find legitimacy in the ideals of the left." But I feel it can be for anyone who's trying to gain a better understanding of their own beliefs and the belief of others. For we can all be together under one religion and yet not be together as a people. I really feel that this magazine offers that togetherness. I think there is something for everyone here...I don't agree with everything everyone writes about, but it still gives me the chance to hear what other people think and in turn I can assess my own beliefs.

For more information head to the LDS Left website and to write in questions, comments, and a request for a free subscription email theldsleft at gmail dot com.

I also wrote my first article in the Winter addition of the magazine, a more full-fledged review on the book Black and Mormon by Newell G. Bringhurst and Darron T. Smith.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Black and Mormon by Newell G. Bringhurst and Darron T. Smith

These articles were so insightful on being African American in a society that runs everything by white standards and then it delves deeper into how that affects African Americans in the Mormon church. How do they deal with the racist policies of the Church before the Priesthood ban was lifted in June of 1978? (How do I deal with it, actually). Many talk about how hurt they were, but how through their own personal experience with God they've been able to work through it.

Other articles talk about how since most of the LDS church in America is white, how they don't want to talk about race, but how it really needs to be addressed and that a lot of people in answer to why there was a priesthood ban continue to spread false folklore like "they weren't valiant enough in the preexistence or they are descended from Cain and thus cursed." These are completely false and yet are still used as reasons, which truly impact negatively African American members.

Black Americans have huge insights and ideas and culture to bring to the Church...I would really love to see more active hymns in the church, saying a few amens in agreement during sacrament meeting would be great!

I think it's very important to be aware about who we are and how we relate to others. Let's embrace all cultures over the world and incorporate their beautiful traditions into ours as well and truly become a worldwide church.

I really recommend this book for all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or for those interested in African American studies. It helps us see ourselves in a new light and to change what we didn't know was ignorant or insensitive before
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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Thanks

I just wanted to give a big thanks to Laura, Faithful Dissident, and Carol for their encouraging words and love! I'm working on getting my meds readjusted and maybe some therapy. I was hoping I'd snap out of my postpartum depression, but it just seems to keep lingering and the early nights now aren't helping either. But I have a wonderful husband who keeps me laughing despite life and my little boy gives me both joy and pain. I'm still unsure about where God fits in right now, but for now I'm just focusing on the good things that I already know I have and hopefully things can turn around for the better soon.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Apathy

Absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

I guess that could describe someone who is depressed so I could use that as an excuse for why I'm feeling that way now. Though, I'm sure it takes up a part of it, I know that it's not all of it. It's hard to stay interested when I just don't care. Don't get me wrong, I want to care. I have no desire sew any wild oats or anything like that. I'm just having the hardest time desiring to gain that relationship with God and therefore my scripture study is lax, I haven't been to the temple in a year, my prayers are sporadic, and church is usually just to go because I should not for anything I may gain there. It's so sad. I used to love going to church. OK, love is too strong, enjoy is better. I also enjoyed reading my scriptures...temple? Well, I don't think I've ever enjoyed that one...

So, yes, I'm apathetic right now. It's depressing, but it's the truth. I don't want to be here forever, actually I don't want to be here now. Apathy is even worse than anger, for with anger one still cares. I care, just not as much as I used nor as much as I want to.

I wade through my day-to-day things and praying that I can gain a desire to care once again. I remember God answering a prayer or two which shows that He cares, but then I look back and say well it was for an ulterior motive...Right now it's just not enough to sustain me in my dark hour.

But I know the only way to gain that enlightening, peace, and relationship with God is through doing things I'm supposed to be doing...scripture reading, FHE, temple attendance, prayer...all that stuff...

Little by little...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

One Tough Week

My son had surgery last week...talk about the week from hell. The surgery went great, but my poor boy had the hardest time getting back on his sleep schedule and feeding schedule. He was in a lot of pain the first three days, we even had to take him to the ER cuz he kept vomiting. And then some nights he wouldn't go to sleep til one in the morning...It was soooo hard. I am so appreciative of my DH, he took most of the night shifts with him even when he had to get up early for work the next day just so I could get a little more sleep. I don't take stress very well and this week was a flashback to when I suffered severely from post-partum and my son was colicky. I think I cried every night last week, bawling is more like it. But last night was the first night in over week that my son finally slept all night! I got a halfway decent night's sleep! It's amazing at how much adversity and trials and struggles will help you to appreciate the times that aren't so crazy and tough. I really felt that God was giving me a bit of extra support even though I don't deserve any at all right now. But He really helped my little boy work through it all this week and helped me stay partially sane! So are all my doubts forever shattered and answered? No. Do I completely feel like God loves me all the time? No, but this week was a little step closer to gaining a better relationship with Him. So onward and upward, well, maybe a few steps backward along the way too...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

There's Hope...

I just finished listening to John Dehlin's podcast with Rotten Tomatoes and Serenity Valley. They each described their Mormon stories and when they are now and why. I really, really enjoyed the testimony of Serenity. She talked about how she was holding onto all of her guilt, anger, shame, sins, etc and finally one night she told Christ she was done with it and didn't want it anymore and that she was giving it all up to Him. She said she truly felt that Christ did take it all away that night; she knew God loved her and that as long as she put her trust and faith in Him she would be OK. When she got this special witness she was out of the Church. But she said that eventually God told her to head on back to the Mormon Church and this is where she's at now. She places her faith in God and feels His presence in her life, but the questions and doubts she had before are still there...

So this brings me to the point of finding my own peace with God. It's so helpful to see that there are those who have found peace, feel that God loves me, that he's apart of their lives, but doubts remain, questions left unanswered.

There's hope...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

My Own Stage Four and Dealing With Tragedy

I just love John Dehlin's Mormon Stories. I just finished up on his three-part series on Fowler's Stages of Faith and how it relates to Mormon stages of faith.

Stage 3 involves the conviction that everything about the Church is true and are looking for ways, etc to back that up. Stage four involves the questioning stage, the disaffected stage, the wondering if this church is really led by God and sometimes if there is really is a God.

I've kind of been in between stage three and four for a few years now, but was thrust into stage four within the past few months with the birth of my son and post-partum depression. I can't explain why it happened. I was pretty content with being discontent a year ago. But now I've found the bloggernacle, books, and especially people, my people who have gone through, are still going through many of the things I am and that are still trying to be active and find their own peace with the Church and God.

I'm still in the 'a bit bitter stage' with God, but am starting to feel a bit of hope as I study, read, blog, pray, serve, etc that there is light.

But I must admit these last few weeks have been a bit rough. My neighbors just lost their 8 month old son to cancer last week. She told me a month ago that right before he was diagnosed she was thinking to herself how wonderful her life was going and that it pretty easy, more or less. And then her son was diagnosed with the most malignant cancer a child can get. She decided to start her own blog on her family's trial and faith during this time. They've never shown anything but faith, strength, and love for God. Everytime I see her she's so upbeat, though I know she feels otherwise.

The funeral was so beautiful. I admire them for their faith and just being able to deal in any way with losing a child.

I can't even imagine losing my son. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I really don't hide it too well. I would completely fall apart if this happened to any of my loved ones, especially my husband and son. It got me thinking about what is expected of us, at least in my humble opinion in the Church, when tragedy strikes, especially physical tragedy. How would people have reacted to this family if they had turned bitter and resentful or had grieved more openly with anger? They had so many responses of love and service and continue to do so. But if the way they dealt with their son's illness were less "faithful" would they have received as much concern and help from those who didn't know them well? It brings me back to the stiff upper lip in the Church. Who can endure the best while putting on the nice face?

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly believe that this family is completely sincere in how they handled this horrible tragedy. This is their faith; it's strong and has only been made stronger. I only use their story as an illustration, to ask the question if it happened to a family that didn't handle in this positive manner. Just something that got me thinking about how I might react and handle a tragedy like this...I don't think so well. My tragedies have been more on the mental side...

And thus life continues on the road to?