I'm totally out of the Mormon Church mentally, but I'm still in the "letting-everyone-know" phase. My parents, a couple of siblings, and my non-TBM friends know where DH and I are at. But Dh's family and all of our TBM friends have no idea we're out. I'm really worried about the fallout. We're heading out camping with some of DH's family in a couple of weeks and that's when he wants to let them know our disaffection. I'm scared silly. But at the same time I want people to know; I want to be able to just be myself; I want them to know where I'm at.
We have some great TBM friends we hang out with quite often...how are they going to react? Will they be able to put aside religion and be able to still remain friends? I sure hope so. I know things will be uncomfortable on both sides, but I hope with time they will see we're still the same people they've always had fun with, it's that we don't happen to believe the same things anymore. It will definitely come up soon with our friends since our son is now officially 18 months and is nursery age. We've gotten many questions and comments about how wonderful it'll be once he turns 18 months so he can be in nursery...then comes the awkward pauses...but now, I know longer want to sidestep the questions or comments.
This will be a big turning point in my life. I know it's going to be really tough because I'm bound to lose a friends or two and we're bound to have many difficulties with my DH's family. I just hope the transition goes smoother than imagined and that friends and family will be able to love us despite our unbelief. Here's hoping...
4 comments:
If these people are really your friends, they'll love you for who you actually are. If their love and support are conditional--on anything--then they're not people you want in your life. It's not the church, ultimately, it's the kind of person who only wants to be friends with you if you think and act a certain way. I've experienced this in my own life, and it's been extremely painful. Sometimes, you think you have a relationship with someone, and it turns out that that relationship was purely self-serving. Once you weren't giving the other person what they wanted from you (it all usually boils down to the same thing: doing it their way), that was it. Trust me, you do *not* need that in your life.
Whatever the excuse du jour--religion, or, say, being OK with my MIL trying to kill my cat--some people are flexible, and some are rigid. It's a function of their own self esteem; people with healthy self esteem don't need the constant validation of being surrounded by those who agree with them/are just like them.
It's not an issue of loving you "despite" anything. Usually, we ask ourselves the wrong question. We ask ourselves "how much does this person love me", when we should be asking ourselves "how capable is this person of loving anybody", or "how capable is this person of expressing love in a mature, adult manner/in the manner I need"?
We all occasionally go through growing pains. Sometimes it's quite lonely and difficult. People we thought we could count on, go away. But, at the same time, other people enter our lives, or draw closer to us.
Hang in there!
I am almost at the point where I feel that I need to do this with my family. I have a feeling that if I came out of the apostate closet, my extended family would shun me but a few members of my immediate family would maintain casual contact. I wonder if I would be welcomed home at Christmas, though.
What was it that made you finally decide to make this move? Please keep writing on this subject -- it's one that people rarely write about for some reason.
@ Kayla, email me and I'll let you know. cjstutz@gmail.com.
@ Molly, I think people don't write about it for fear of judgment. I know that I haven't, on the whole, been that pleased with people's responses when I have. It seems like all anybody wants to do is categorize me and see where I fit in--instead of giving me the space and support to grow on my own.
Personally, I've come to the point in my life where I feel best just being honest with people. Some of my relationships have definitely gone by the wayside, but some of them have actually strengthened. In either event, I feel a lot calmer and happier to be me.
I hope your family surprises you. Sometimes they do. But Mr. CJ and I have been through being shunned, and it's horrible (you're welcome to email me if you'd like a friendly ear; not that many people understand what it's like to go through this). I have to say, though, honestly, we came out the other side happier--and with a stronger relationship.
It sucks to have nowhere to go on Christmas. Trust me, I know. There's really nothing anybody can say that makes it OK, and there's certainly no magic solution. But it's also not the end of the world. Life goes on, and new people join it, and that makes it worthwhile.
C.J., thanks for the support! It's true that some friendships will inevitably go by the wayside and I hope others will be strengthened.
Molly, I actually didn't really decide sort to speak to let the cat out of the bag. It was on Mother's Day and my mom kept asking me what my ward had given me for the day...and it just kind of came blurting out that we didn't go anymore and that led to why we didn't, etc. My mom was pretty upset at first, but since she's not super orthodox she's let it go. She let the cat out of the bag for some of my siblings on Father's Day after we left the family party. I think my other sister doesn't know and one of my brothers, but I doubt they'd care much since they're not really active either.
But DH feels an obligation to tell his family and so he's picked our family camping trip. And I agree since I really just want to be honest with our family and friends. I just want those we care about to know where we're at. I just hate tiptoeing around everyone and they just assume...it's getting really hard emotionally.
So I'll probably do an update once the camping trip is over and more friends know as well....scary!
Thank you both for your comments!
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