Emotionally I Just Can't Handle It

One of my fellow Mormon doubters invited me over for a religious Mormon discussion meeting that he was having with a couple of other TBMs (they have a few questions, but not enough to actually ponder leaving the church). I thought I'd go and see what it would be like. I was kind of hoping for some frank discussion of church history and practices. Kind of the ugly side and what the thoughts were. My friend was the only one who brought up any issues of church history and policy. The others only reflected a bit on these issues. But the conversation inevitably went towards their anecdotal evidence of why they still believe. And that's fine; I was only invited to the meeting. This is their group to discuss ways to keep their faith; they're invested. I just considered myself an observer.

They did ask me where I was at on my journey. I told them I was out and that my views on god were very agnostic. My admission squashed anything I could offer to the discussion, since I don't have a vested interest in maintaining any faith in Mormonism. But listening in really got my emotions going inside. I didn't express them. But it did get me thinking again about why I left mentally.

My first real slap in the face of Mormonism was the first time I went through the temple. I was preparing to go on my mission and this was an inevitable step. I was really horrified. Why did I have to pledge to hearken to my husband when I didn't have one (and why even if I did)? Why did I have to veil my face in the prayer circle? Why does Eve have absolutely no role in the movie other than to look pretty and walk around with Adam? Peter and John never even glance her way for cryin' out loud like she doesn't even exist!

Then there was just the plain weirdness of it all. It was only later that I found out the Masonic history of the ceremonies.

I remember looking at everyone around me, family and friends, and they all just looked like everything was just peachy and normal! What was I supposed to do? Run out scared??? Nope, I just took it all and pretended it was great and wonderful.

Then my mission came...It was the worst 19 months of my life. I was in a constant state of depression, panic, and anxiety. Those were the darkest days of my life. I prayed like I'd never prayed before. I was super obedient and I took a lot of crap from my mission president, his wife, and my trainer from Hell (if there was one). I felt that my eternal soul was damned every time I didn't talk to someone on the street, every missed opportunity meant that I was evil and going to hell. There was nothing I could do to feel good or better. I was in constant tears. I was asked if I had some serious sins I hadn't confessed to. And that led to wondering if there were things I'd done that I didn't know about....that went to some pretty crazy and damaging depths as well. Why couldn't I feel the spirit? Why wasn't god letting me feel even a bit of his love? But I squashed those doubts and just knew it had to be all me and not him. Why wasn't this the best 19 months of my life? Why was I checking off the days on the calendar til I could go home? Why wasn't I so converted that I wanted to shout the gospel to everyone from the rooftops? Why did I think my mission president and his wife were a bunch of morons? Uh-oh, one more reason for going to hell...

But once I got home I pushed it all aside and got married and moved to Portland, Oregon. I went to college at Portland State and had more cognitive dissonance pushed upon me...like gay rights. Never had even thought about that before....or women's rights. Why can't I have the priesthood? Why is there this specific gender role placed upon me? What the heck's up with polygamy????? And on the questions and the doubts started to mount. I've noticed upon reflection that I started to not read my scriptures as much, not pray as much, etc. They were causing too much cog dis at the time. I just added it to my guilt pile.

Then we moved back to Utah...that was the killer for me. Both Dh and I really enjoyed the people in our ward and thus the ward overall up in Oregon. Good peeps. But when we got down here to Utah we just didn't fit in anymore. We didn't fit the typical Utah County family, I guess. So that kind of led to us not going as much. Then I got a job on Sundays and that squashed a lot of activity and DH didn't go without me...so after I quit my job when I got pregnant I found that I didn't really want to go back to church and that DH didn't really either. Then that got me thinking about why I didn't want to go back to church or why I didn't like church. Why didn't I find my spiritual fulfillment there? That is when I started looking online...that was the undoing. It was slow at first. It was just amazing to find a place where things about the church could be discussed openly. But the more I studied the more cog dis I got....Then my boy was born and that was a horrible experience with the birth, c-section infection and a collicky baby....so that year was spent recooping and trying to gain some semblance of normal sanity. So I decided that I'd try to go back to church at the start of this year...I'd reread the BoM, the Bible, etc. It just didn't work. When I went to church I felt so uncomfortable. It was emotionally draining and very depressing. I felt worse and worse. The same with scripture reading...worse and worse. I'd had so many problems with the historicity of the BoM and then the Bible that I couldn't read them anymore for spiritual comfort or enlightenment. It just became too emotionally traumatic to continue to go. And once the emotional deconversion was paired with evidence against Mormonism and Christianity in general, I knew I could never go back. I was done.

So while I was at this meeting it got me thinking even more about my emotional deconversion. I look back on my 25 years or so of trying so hard to be a good Mormon girl. I was good, I really was. I did everything I was supposed to. I read my scriptures, attended church, etc. But the ever elusive thing for me was a relationship with God. I never felt like I could get one. I tried really, really hard. I fasted, prayed, obeyed more, read more scriptures. I read books from the general authorities on how to find that relationship, how to gain revelation, etc. But nothing. I just always assumed it was me...that I just wasn't good enough somehow and that all these other people were good enough to elicit God's communication.

To be fair, I had two big experiences with what I thought was the spirit. One as a child while singing a song by myself and one right before I left home from my mission...I thought I'd meet my hubby that summer...well, I did! So there is still a part of me that likes to think there may be something out there bigger than me, but don't know. But here's the kicker. I can't allow those two hits to outweigh the many, many misses over my 25 years in the church/any religion. I really needed God during that horrible time on my mission. I just wanted to feel a tiny bit of peace and I didn't get it. People said that depression doesn't allow for that or that it was a test or something like that. Well, if god supposedly created the Universe then for cripes sake he can give a lonely girl doing his missionary work a little bit of comfort. And it was a test, then that is not a god I can rely on or give worship to....

Now this thought goes to the rest of my shelf with Mormonism and its God. I just can't emotionally hack it anymore. The Mormon God is not one I want to worship. Too many not nice practices have been established. And for me, it's not something I can take. If he really does exist then I happily forfeit my chance for "heaven" or whatever. Because this is the only life I'm sure of and therefore, this is the only life I'm going to worry about. I need to do what's right and good for me now. And religion and worrying about an anthropomorphic god looking down on me is not what my life can or is going to be about.

I'm good and moral without god and I know I can raise my son to be as well. I find transcendence in reason and evidence.

So this meeting just got me thinking again about why emotionally I just can't take religion anymore and specifically Mormonism. I'm really glad that they feel they have a relationship with god. And I hope they continue to search for their own way of Mormonism. That's what I feel the church needs. I guess someone needs to do it and it's not me. I guess my brain is just wired differently. I don't know. I hope there's something after this life, but I'm not going to worry about it. There's no way for me to know one way or another so I choose to live like this is it and hope for the best. Either there is or there isn't. And if there isn't I won't know anyway. So thanks, LLG (my friend) for inviting me over and helping me to gather my thoughts again and spew them out on my little blogging part of the world no one but me really cares to read!