Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hurting

Yesterday was really rough. Let's see...cat has a double ear infection which was really expensive to take care of. Had to spend an entire morning and early afternoon at my parents' house. My dad has not a breathed a word to me about my disaffection with the church. He knows but he hasn't mentioned it to me at all...so I sometimes wonder if he just forgets or is trying a passive-aggressive tactic with me when it comes to my lack of church status.

First item: My brother's son lives with his mother (divorced) and over the years has taken to ice hockey (his mom left the church and isn't raising him Mormon or in any specific religion, I think). My dad started complaining about the how horrible ice hockey is because it's all-consuming, he thinks, and he has no evidence, just his "feeling" that kids who participate can't have a full and balanced life because they can't do any other sports or extra-curricular activities and the games are all on the weekends so they travel a lot and the parents just usually get together with other parents and go drinking, etc...and, in turn, compared that to my sister's son who is involved in golf and basketball and goes to Young Men's which allows him to serve and have balance. So I couldn't help but wonder if he was using that as an allegory for not Mormon equals not as good...that being Mormon is the only way to be a really balanced and useful person (aka how is your son going to turn out since you're not raising him Mormon?)...OK, I know I'm sensitive and I probably read too much into it...

2nd Item: We got to talking about Mitt Romney. Dad said he didn't like Mitt too much since his views changed with the wind and that he was a super rich elitist and it had gone to his head...all that I agreed with....then he compared him to his father. "He's so unlike his father who was strong in the faith and was humble and proud of his religion and stuck with it his whole life and never once wavered in his faith (cue tears and sniffles during this)." I just rolled my eyes and looked elsewhere. But I couldn't help but wonder if this was also passive-aggressively directed at me.

After we left and I started thinking about this it really got to me. I felt really alone. It just reinforced the fact that no matter how accomplished I am, how good a mom, person, friend, daughter, etc I will always be lacking since I'm no longer Mormon. I know my parents love me and they've been pretty good about everything so fare but it kind of hit home today that they'll always think I'm lacking, not whole, and it makes me really sad.

5 comments:

Just Zena said...

I feel your pain. I hope there comes a point where we don't feel the need to have acceptance from TBM family. That we can feel that we ARE good mothers, friends and people without it.

lifelongguy said...

You will always be prayed for, have your name dropped in the temple box thingy... you will be watched for signs of unhappiness (signs that you are getting your due punishment for leaving) and they will talk about you behind your back. I get all that too. :)

Do they leave church article reprints around for you to find? Do they quiz your children about what you are doing? (I hope not, your little guy is far to young to be put in the middle...)

So much fun. I hurt for you. I can sympathize.

Kate said...

I also feel that filter being applied to me by people. Probably I'm extra paranoid, but we know Mormons, and we know how they judge. :/ It's frustrating, and it's been causing me a lot of sadness lately too. I'm sorry girl. You are awesome and you are smart and you are a great mom to your little dude.

jen said...

I know it won't mean as much coming from me as it would from them... I just wanted to say,

You are perfect just the way you are. You are whole. Complete. You are YOU and that is enough.

Hillary said...

I know this feeling as well. It sucks to feel like everything is trumped by church activity in our parents eyes. It retards they're ability to truly see us. I don't know about you, but this has the unintended effect of pushing me further from the church because I just don't like that filter it puts over people's eyes and I don't want to do that to my kids.