Blogging Beyond Belief

Jack Mormons!

2011-08-04T10:37:00.000-06:00

I gotta say I love me some Jack Mormons sometimes. I've got 2 neighbors who fit this description. They don't attend church but they talk about how they don't go because the ward sucks or someone offended them, but, as my dear neighbor put it "I still totally believe."

It really got me thinking when she said this. I looked back on my own life and realized that I could never have been a Jack Mormon. To me if were true then it was my duty to be active and go. Even if I felt sh*tty and felt like I could never do my best or live up to expectations...if it were true, all would work out in the end so I'd have to keep plugging along. So I just never understood Jack Mormons. If they still believed why in the world weren't they living it? So I gots to thinking a bit more. Maybe it's because they really don't believe it; they just haven't admitted it to themselves. My friend, I'll call her Angela, though that's not her real name, has told me that she's never been super active even as a kid or when she was a teenager. She's been drinking for over 20 years and has lived quite the non-Mormon lifestyle. She admits that she feels God loves her for her and not for what religion she does or does no adhere to. Though, two seconds later she reaffirms to me her belief....but I think what she's saying is she doesn't believe in any kind of religion that tells her she's a bad person because she drinks alcohol or shops on Sundays or has sex outside of marriage.

I think a lot of Jack Mormons are like this. Angela and her husband are really laid back type people. They never got worried about eternal salvation and damnation, they've lived their lives pretty guilt-free in that respect. Since they've never really worried about it like I did, they've never had a reason to find reasons to not believe. So since they were raised Mormon that is just their default religion and nothing more.

Granted, not all Jack Mormons fit this description. Two of my brother-in-laws live their lives in constant guilt and fear since they are not living the Church's standards but believe that the Church must be true. So my husband's drug addicted, drug dealing brother calls him on the phone and tries to preach repentance unto him. His other brother feels so guilty all the time because he drinks beer, married a non-Mormon woman, and is raising his kids without Mormonism.

So they are a very different breed, for sure. I'm just glad I have my Jack Mormon neighbors where we can fill up a kiddie pool with hot water and hot tub it at night with some mojitos and shots! It's awesome.

If I had the Jack Mormon personality I know I wouldn't be where I am today so I'm glad I pushed myself to search and look for myself.

Also, please keep us in your thoughts as my husband and I go into the belly of the beast in three weeks with his family on a really long family camp out. All hell's going to break loose as they find out we're no longer Mormon. Yikes.....

New Firsts

2011-03-29T09:59:00.000-06:00

It's been quite the adventure since leaving Mormonism! Drinking alcohol is a first for me. I have some great friends around where I live that have really helped me ease into it. They've suggested things for me to try and have hosted parties in which to sample various drinks. It's been so fun to try different things and feel alive!!!

DH and I headed over to the liquor store a little bit ago. It's crazy how that made me feel. I felt like such a rebel and I was constantly looking over my shoulder like people would know I wasn't supposed to be in there! HA! We brought along our 2-year-old son as well and I thought people would look at us funny for bringing him! HA! again. We saw a few kids in there too. And the cashier even had suckers for them on the way out!

Alcohol is definitely a whole new world. Just looking at all the different types of wines, vodkas, everything was a bit overwhelming! What do those numbers mean above the wine bottles?

But we came with some set ingredients and we conquered!!!! I made my first ever alcoholic drink for my PostMo ladies at our book club....Chocolate Mudslide!!! Woot! It was so good!

So yeah for moving onward and upward and for this wonderful world we call Earth!

Hurting

2011-03-16T13:03:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was really rough. Let's see...cat has a double ear infection which was really expensive to take care of. Had to spend an entire morning and early afternoon at my parents' house. My dad has not a breathed a word to me about my disaffection with the church. He knows but he hasn't mentioned it to me at all...so I sometimes wonder if he just forgets or is trying a passive-aggressive tactic with me when it comes to my lack of church status.

First item: My brother's son lives with his mother (divorced) and over the years has taken to ice hockey (his mom left the church and isn't raising him Mormon or in any specific religion, I think). My dad started complaining about the how horrible ice hockey is because it's all-consuming, he thinks, and he has no evidence, just his "feeling" that kids who participate can't have a full and balanced life because they can't do any other sports or extra-curricular activities and the games are all on the weekends so they travel a lot and the parents just usually get together with other parents and go drinking, etc...and, in turn, compared that to my sister's son who is involved in golf and basketball and goes to Young Men's which allows him to serve and have balance. So I couldn't help but wonder if he was using that as an allegory for not Mormon equals not as good...that being Mormon is the only way to be a really balanced and useful person (aka how is your son going to turn out since you're not raising him Mormon?)...OK, I know I'm sensitive and I probably read too much into it...

2nd Item: We got to talking about Mitt Romney. Dad said he didn't like Mitt too much since his views changed with the wind and that he was a super rich elitist and it had gone to his head...all that I agreed with....then he compared him to his father. "He's so unlike his father who was strong in the faith and was humble and proud of his religion and stuck with it his whole life and never once wavered in his faith (cue tears and sniffles during this)." I just rolled my eyes and looked elsewhere. But I couldn't help but wonder if this was also passive-aggressively directed at me.

After we left and I started thinking about this it really got to me. I felt really alone. It just reinforced the fact that no matter how accomplished I am, how good a mom, person, friend, daughter, etc I will always be lacking since I'm no longer Mormon. I know my parents love me and they've been pretty good about everything so fare but it kind of hit home today that they'll always think I'm lacking, not whole, and it makes me really sad.

Life and Its Ups and Downs

2011-02-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I know I shouldn't complain too much since I have a roof over my head and food to eat...that said...

It's been a difficult journey and continues to be one out of Mormonism. When my doubts all came out and I started to share what I'd been learning with my husband...he wasn't too happy. He enjoyed being a Jack Mormon and not worrying too much about it. He felt a bit guilty here and there but overall he still had his purpose and that was that...then I came along and pretty much shattered all of that. And I don't think he's truly forgiven me yet for that. He doesn't want to talk about it. He says his faith is done and that's that; he doesn't want to dwell on it. I get that. But it's like I can't talk to him about anything. Books, politics, headlines, etc. We talk about work, our son, and movies. So in a way we've both been pushing each other away and it finally came to a head these last few weeks as we've both been sick as dogs in bed and super grumpy to boot. I've been finding my own outlet through the PostMormon groups here in Utah and have met some really awesome ladies and couples. I do head out about once or twice a week and leave my DH behind. So it's time to really heal and save my marriage. I love him so much and want to find that spark again. We've agreed to go to therapy both as a couple and individually...we want to find a good one...so if you have any suggestions in the Salt Lake area please let me know.

I feel really selfish that I destroyed his faith. I didn't mean to. I just feel horrible about how it's turned out.

It really feels like we need to start over. We need to find a way to communicate again. But I realize that it was something hiding beneath the surface while we were still believing and now that religion is gone we need to find common ground again.

I just needed to vent. I've been missing my DH for awhile now, and I hope we can work through this better and stronger than ever.

For the up part of life right now...just found out that a worrying condition that my son has been having is just fine! So yeah for that. Also received my TurboJam DVDs...I want to lose a few pounds to fit into some fun sundresses this summer!!!

Gaining My Own Sense of Self

2011-01-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

That is definitely still in progress. So many new ideas and thoughts to go through. So many new ways to seek my sense of who I am. I've been thinking about this lately because I'm so newly out of Mormonism and yet so many things that have defined me were through the Mormon lens.

My role as a woman was defined for me. Get married and get an education only for a way to support if necessary, and have children, support my husband in his priesthood and nurture and raise my children in the Gospel. That was pretty honed in sense I was a little girl. I was never felt very "motherly" so I tried not to think too much about that aspect of marriage. But at the same time I was never encouraged to look for things that really interested me, to hone in those talents, and I never gained a sense of longing for learning of a certain topic, etc. And I'm not saying that it's just because of growing up in the Mormon church. Statistics clearly show girls behind in math and science in the United States than other developed countries.

I guess I'm just whining and should just buck up and get on with it, but I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I love learning about language and now the sciences such as biology. I'm also focusing on feminist study. There is so much I don't know about other women who have paved the way in society and were boat-rockers in their...hell, they'd be boat-rockers now. Elizabeth Cady Stanton...we learn a bit about her during the suffrage part of history class but that's about it. I just realized she wrote her own women's Bible, taking out all the crap derogatory toward women!

So before I was a wife and a mother (still am) and that was supposed to be enough and now I do want more but don't know what. I want to teach my son to be loving and a good person. I want to teach him to think critically and to not be afraid of the world. Now I don't have the religious tug telling me how I should. I now have my inner self screaming at me to figure it out...I feel like I'm still stuck in a sort of limbo. I know what I want to try to be and I know what I don't believe in, too....

Also my marriage was also defined by Mormon standards. Religion was a commonality we shared. Back in December we had a pretty big fight and my DH asked me what we had in common now that we no longer had religion to share. It made me realize how much I still need to work on my marriage and remake it how I want instead of how someone told me it should be.

I'm continually realizing what a tough road it all still is leaving Mormonism behind...in a way I can never leave it behind since it's part of who I am, how I was raised. I'll always have family and friends in it. I'll always have ancestors that crossed the plains for it too. It's figuring out how to gain a new marriage while leaving an old one behind, about figuring out how to raise my child so completely different than I was, it's about figuring out who I am now and what is good for me and my family and thus rubbing and gouging off the scales of confinement on my role in this world. It's also about continually loving family even when they say and do hurtful things since I no longer believe. I guess that is still my Mormon think coming through too...I don't need to figure it all out right now; it's about the journey and the pieces I gain along the way.

The road looks tough but worth the walk, run, jump, lying down, or skipping while on it.

I'm a Brodie Nominee!!!!

2011-01-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

I don't participate a ton in the Mo Bloggoshere. I just kind of write when I need to and visit a few friends' Ex-Mo blogs...so I was shocked when, scanning through the categories and nominees, I found my little post in the Most Poignant Personal Story category. I wrote this piece when I was still very much in my faith crisis. I was trying to hold on to anything I could about God and Mormonism. So it was definitely sincere and it's interesting to come back to it after 18 months and realize how far I've come. Anyway, I thought I'd share. I'm just so excited. I don't care about votes or anything...just excited to have been nominated! Woot! Just in case you want to check out the nominees here's the link.

2010 Wrap-up and Resolutions

2011-01-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

Wow! 2010 was a huge year for me. Last year at this time I was still attempting to hold onto my religion and my belief in God. I had renewed my efforts for scripture study of the Bible and church attendance...a month later I found New Order Mormon and that one of my childhood friends no longer believed...to my last day of church attendance being in March when the Relief Society teacher brought out Mormon Doctrine as her teaching guide of the lesson on Adam and Eve...this just after I realized for the first time that Adam and Eve weren't even real people! That was it for me. I held on for that extra month or two for my friend LLG since he was biding his time as our 1st counselor in the bishopric until they split the ward. The Sunday of the split and his release was my last Sunday. It was only a matter of a few months before my belief in a personal god was shattered.

We did attend a couple of UU services. I don't think it's for us right now but I like their undogmatic and welcoming atmosphere and they have comparative religion courses for kids and teens and may opportunities for activities, etc, basically another community that we're now missing. So we're thinking of trying them again once our son gets a little order and can enjoy the classes and activities. I just want him to have something like that--where he can fit in with other kids who are like him.

I've also gained a ton of PostMormon friends that are here in Utah as well! A group of us ladies get together for lunches, our own book club, movies, etc! These wonderful ladies are the ones who introduced me to my first alcohol!!! I've enjoyed eggnog and spiced rum and vodka...same with some cider! Had my first drink with my husband at a restaurant...big steps!

It's just so freeing to be able to experience new ideas and people without fear. It's been a crazy year and absolutely life-changing year. It's also been one of the hardest years of my life. But I would never change it for anything!

This year I plan to continue my studies of Mormon church history, religious history, science, and anything else my brain can handle. I also will finish school, hopefully find a part-time job, learn more about alcohol and try some more! Try to raise my little boy to be open-minded and a critical thinker...he's still a bit young at 2 but I gotta start somewhere! I also want to be here for people who are going through what I've gone through and am still going through. Though, the one thing I'm not looking forward to is the confrontation with my in-laws once they find out we're out of Mormonism...I assume it'll come out some time this year...

One thing for sure is I want to make this year the best one yet! Happy 2011, everyone!

Why Ricky Gervais is an Atheist

2010-12-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

Just found this article by Ricky Gervais of the British "Office" fame. Take a look; it's pretty good.

“Do unto others…” is a good rule of thumb. I live by that. Forgiveness is probably the greatest virtue there is. But that’s exactly what it is -‐ a virtue. Not just a Christian virtue. No one owns being good. I’m good. I just don’t believe I’ll be rewarded for it in heaven. My reward is here and now. It’s knowing that I try to do the right thing. That I lived a good life. And that’s where spirituality really lost its way. When it became a stick to beat people with. “Do this or you’ll burn in hell.”
You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.

The Keystone of Mormonism by Arza Evans

2010-11-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

I received this book free thanks to the author Mr. Evans at the Ex-Mormon Foundation Conference in October.

Overall, I really enjoyed this book. He mainly focuses on the Book of Mormon since The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints actually does claim that it is the keystone of their religion. But he does go into other details of Church history.

He has some great chapters on the many reasons why the Book of Mormon is not historical and many of the contradictions theologically that it contains as well. He focuses a lot on logic and reason and using one's brain. That I definitely enjoyed. The only trouble I had was his special pleading and confirmation biases to the Bible and Jesus. It was hard to follow what audience he was trying to reach...he even threw out some anti-atheist paragraphs...suggesting that Brigham Young and Joseph Smith could have possibly been atheist and that's why they were so cruel and heartless when it came to control and domination. But then at the end he talks about the many non-believing friends he has...so I was a bit confused. He also had a few editing errors, but I chalk that up to him self-publishing.

He writes that he, in part, wrote it for true-believing family and friends...this definitely had a less objective feel to it. You can really tell he felt duped and horrified by what Joseph Smith and then Brigham Young did...so I can see not many TBM's reading too far into it.

But I liked how concise the information was and that the book was pretty short and sweet overall. He has some good information in there but a lot of personal biases, but he doesn't deny that either. It's a good reference to have in the Mormon history library. Thank you, Mr. Evans, for your book!

Pure Holiday Enjoyment!

2010-11-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

This is my first official year without belief in the Mormon church. It's pretty exciting! I have so many new ideas on how to celebrate the upcoming holidays. I am now free to do so. I am free to enjoy how other cultures and religions celebrate; I'm also free to start my own non-believing traditions as well. The winter solstice is also coming up and I'm looking forward to learning more about those celebrations. It's a whole new world and I'm just excited to be apart of it! Freedom of thought and freedom from religion are amazing!

Human Suffering

2010-09-24T12:11:00.000-06:00

Yup, it happens. We humans suffer a lot during our years or not so many years upon Earth. And yes, it is a part of life. We humans have the great enjoyment of living and sometimes part of that living involves the not so great stuff...no matter what, it'll happen, whether we live like kings and queens down to depths of human suffering. But does that mean we need to suffer in order to know that we're alive?? I bring this question up because I'm still apart of a very True Blue Mormon book club and we just read "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith. This was a theme that ran through the novel and one that is doctrine in Mormonism--there must be opposition in all things so we can feel the joy from the pain, etc. Many of the women expressed that one cannot know what it's like to be financially strapped unless they've been there, or even how to learn those lessons of getting out of those circumstances unless they've been there....hmmm. Or we've got to suffer just so we know we're alive...hmmm.

I don't really say too much during this book club because I just don't want to rock the boat. I'm not very confrontational and like these women and I like the books we read (well, sometimes). It's also a great excuse to leave the baby with Daddy one night a month.

But I say BS!!!!! Big time. Life in and of itself is going to give us the ups and downs; that right there is going to let us know we're alive as long as we let it! In the book Francie's mother is having a baby in their apartment and since it was back in the early 1900s there was no epidural or other remediation of pain. So she screams out a lot. During this, the book lets us hear what other tenants are thinking about this experience. We hear a conversation by two elderly sisters (who were never married nor had children) who live next door (or thereabouts) and comment that it's horrible what she's going through and they're glad they're not going through it, but then they say at least she knows she's alive. Well, you know what, you 2 elderly ladies, that is your fault that you feel like you didn't feel alive. There are so many experiences that each of us will never have, but that's OK!!! We can learn about others' experiences by getting to know other types of people and reading and doing. Just because I'll never have seven children doesn't mean I won't know that I'm alive. Or because I had an epidural and C-section that I'm not alive because I supposedly didn't have the pains of childbirth (though, it was still very painful...).

Let's step outside for just a second and think about what this principle really means, not just on a personal scale, but on a global one as well. If we're saying it's good to suffer, then we can be saying that those who do suffer do not need any alleviation...since it's good for them. Those poor starving people everywhere in the world...it's good for you. B f-ing S. We all get plenty of suffering in life no matter what, but let's rise above the notion that there's actually something divine and noble in it! I want to alleviate as much suffering as I can for everyone. I don't want us women to feel pain in childbirth. I don't want people to starve, to be abused, be tortured and brainwashed. I want medicine to alleviate suffering and to cure it. I want people to be able to overcome and take control of their addictions and mental illnesses through drugs and therapy and support groups. I want people and children to be able to feel good about themselves and their bodies and that they are good and important and valued. I don't want another child to know what it feels like to go hungry, what it feels like to be abused by the ones they love. I don't want women to be afraid of showing their shoulders, speaking their minds and deciding they don't want children. I don't want my son to know what it's like when your father picks you up from school to inform you that your mother is in the hospital because she tried to commit suicide.

We all share our stories and our experiences. We make mistakes and we (hopefully) try to learn from them so we can pass our great knowledge onto our children. I may not be able to completely empathize with every experience everyone has ever gone through, but I sure can sympathize and I can learn from others, from their experiences. Even if I never experience what it's like to live from paycheck to paycheck, I can still learn how to better manage my money. I can still learn how to be frugal and save.

That's what, IMO, this human experience is all about...to help alleviate the suffering of others and to learn not only from our mistakes, but from the mistakes of others. As one who once upon a time believed in an all-loving and all knowing/powerful God, I cry out BS. He/It cannot be all three. Yes, suffering is apart of life, but so is joy and love and laughter. And I will do everything I can to allow others to feel free to truly experience the joys, the loves, and the laughters of life, because that is what it is like to truly feel alive.

Emotionally I Just Can't Handle It

2010-09-13T23:27:00.000-06:00

One of my fellow Mormon doubters invited me over for a religious Mormon discussion meeting that he was having with a couple of other TBMs (they have a few questions, but not enough to actually ponder leaving the church). I thought I'd go and see what it would be like. I was kind of hoping for some frank discussion of church history and practices. Kind of the ugly side and what the thoughts were. My friend was the only one who brought up any issues of church history and policy. The others only reflected a bit on these issues. But the conversation inevitably went towards their anecdotal evidence of why they still believe. And that's fine; I was only invited to the meeting. This is their group to discuss ways to keep their faith; they're invested. I just considered myself an observer.

They did ask me where I was at on my journey. I told them I was out and that my views on god were very agnostic. My admission squashed anything I could offer to the discussion, since I don't have a vested interest in maintaining any faith in Mormonism. But listening in really got my emotions going inside. I didn't express them. But it did get me thinking again about why I left mentally.

My first real slap in the face of Mormonism was the first time I went through the temple. I was preparing to go on my mission and this was an inevitable step. I was really horrified. Why did I have to pledge to hearken to my husband when I didn't have one (and why even if I did)? Why did I have to veil my face in the prayer circle? Why does Eve have absolutely no role in the movie other than to look pretty and walk around with Adam? Peter and John never even glance her way for cryin' out loud like she doesn't even exist!

Then there was just the plain weirdness of it all. It was only later that I found out the Masonic history of the ceremonies.

I remember looking at everyone around me, family and friends, and they all just looked like everything was just peachy and normal! What was I supposed to do? Run out scared??? Nope, I just took it all and pretended it was great and wonderful.

Then my mission came...It was the worst 19 months of my life. I was in a constant state of depression, panic, and anxiety. Those were the darkest days of my life. I prayed like I'd never prayed before. I was super obedient and I took a lot of crap from my mission president, his wife, and my trainer from Hell (if there was one). I felt that my eternal soul was damned every time I didn't talk to someone on the street, every missed opportunity meant that I was evil and going to hell. There was nothing I could do to feel good or better. I was in constant tears. I was asked if I had some serious sins I hadn't confessed to. And that led to wondering if there were things I'd done that I didn't know about....that went to some pretty crazy and damaging depths as well. Why couldn't I feel the spirit? Why wasn't god letting me feel even a bit of his love? But I squashed those doubts and just knew it had to be all me and not him. Why wasn't this the best 19 months of my life? Why was I checking off the days on the calendar til I could go home? Why wasn't I so converted that I wanted to shout the gospel to everyone from the rooftops? Why did I think my mission president and his wife were a bunch of morons? Uh-oh, one more reason for going to hell...

But once I got home I pushed it all aside and got married and moved to Portland, Oregon. I went to college at Portland State and had more cognitive dissonance pushed upon me...like gay rights. Never had even thought about that before....or women's rights. Why can't I have the priesthood? Why is there this specific gender role placed upon me? What the heck's up with polygamy????? And on the questions and the doubts started to mount. I've noticed upon reflection that I started to not read my scriptures as much, not pray as much, etc. They were causing too much cog dis at the time. I just added it to my guilt pile.

Then we moved back to Utah...that was the killer for me. Both Dh and I really enjoyed the people in our ward and thus the ward overall up in Oregon. Good peeps. But when we got down here to Utah we just didn't fit in anymore. We didn't fit the typical Utah County family, I guess. So that kind of led to us not going as much. Then I got a job on Sundays and that squashed a lot of activity and DH didn't go without me...so after I quit my job when I got pregnant I found that I didn't really want to go back to church and that DH didn't really either. Then that got me thinking about why I didn't want to go back to church or why I didn't like church. Why didn't I find my spiritual fulfillment there? That is when I started looking online...that was the undoing. It was slow at first. It was just amazing to find a place where things about the church could be discussed openly. But the more I studied the more cog dis I got....Then my boy was born and that was a horrible experience with the birth, c-section infection and a collicky baby....so that year was spent recooping and trying to gain some semblance of normal sanity. So I decided that I'd try to go back to church at the start of this year...I'd reread the BoM, the Bible, etc. It just didn't work. When I went to church I felt so uncomfortable. It was emotionally draining and very depressing. I felt worse and worse. The same with scripture reading...worse and worse. I'd had so many problems with the historicity of the BoM and then the Bible that I couldn't read them anymore for spiritual comfort or enlightenment. It just became too emotionally traumatic to continue to go. And once the emotional deconversion was paired with evidence against Mormonism and Christianity in general, I knew I could never go back. I was done.

So while I was at this meeting it got me thinking even more about my emotional deconversion. I look back on my 25 years or so of trying so hard to be a good Mormon girl. I was good, I really was. I did everything I was supposed to. I read my scriptures, attended church, etc. But the ever elusive thing for me was a relationship with God. I never felt like I could get one. I tried really, really hard. I fasted, prayed, obeyed more, read more scriptures. I read books from the general authorities on how to find that relationship, how to gain revelation, etc. But nothing. I just always assumed it was me...that I just wasn't good enough somehow and that all these other people were good enough to elicit God's communication.

To be fair, I had two big experiences with what I thought was the spirit. One as a child while singing a song by myself and one right before I left home from my mission...I thought I'd meet my hubby that summer...well, I did! So there is still a part of me that likes to think there may be something out there bigger than me, but don't know. But here's the kicker. I can't allow those two hits to outweigh the many, many misses over my 25 years in the church/any religion. I really needed God during that horrible time on my mission. I just wanted to feel a tiny bit of peace and I didn't get it. People said that depression doesn't allow for that or that it was a test or something like that. Well, if god supposedly created the Universe then for cripes sake he can give a lonely girl doing his missionary work a little bit of comfort. And it was a test, then that is not a god I can rely on or give worship to....

Now this thought goes to the rest of my shelf with Mormonism and its God. I just can't emotionally hack it anymore. The Mormon God is not one I want to worship. Too many not nice practices have been established. And for me, it's not something I can take. If he really does exist then I happily forfeit my chance for "heaven" or whatever. Because this is the only life I'm sure of and therefore, this is the only life I'm going to worry about. I need to do what's right and good for me now. And religion and worrying about an anthropomorphic god looking down on me is not what my life can or is going to be about.

I'm good and moral without god and I know I can raise my son to be as well. I find transcendence in reason and evidence.

So this meeting just got me thinking again about why emotionally I just can't take religion anymore and specifically Mormonism. I'm really glad that they feel they have a relationship with god. And I hope they continue to search for their own way of Mormonism. That's what I feel the church needs. I guess someone needs to do it and it's not me. I guess my brain is just wired differently. I don't know. I hope there's something after this life, but I'm not going to worry about it. There's no way for me to know one way or another so I choose to live like this is it and hope for the best. Either there is or there isn't. And if there isn't I won't know anyway. So thanks, LLG (my friend) for inviting me over and helping me to gather my thoughts again and spew them out on my little blogging part of the world no one but me really cares to read!

Wonderful PostMo "ad" on YouTube

2010-08-15T07:00:00.001-06:00

My Apostasy Is the Least of My Parents' Problems....

2010-08-14T07:00:00.001-06:00

Yup, that's right! I could still be living at home with four kids in the basement with some major mental health issues; in prison; divorced twice with a possible third marriage not even legal due to current wife being also married...; so yup, my apostasy is the least of their worries! Whew!

Hanging Onto Friends

2010-08-11T19:28:00.000-06:00

I'm totally out of the Mormon Church mentally, but I'm still in the "letting-everyone-know" phase. My parents, a couple of siblings, and my non-TBM friends know where DH and I are at. But Dh's family and all of our TBM friends have no idea we're out. I'm really worried about the fallout. We're heading out camping with some of DH's family in a couple of weeks and that's when he wants to let them know our disaffection. I'm scared silly. But at the same time I want people to know; I want to be able to just be myself; I want them to know where I'm at.

We have some great TBM friends we hang out with quite often...how are they going to react? Will they be able to put aside religion and be able to still remain friends? I sure hope so. I know things will be uncomfortable on both sides, but I hope with time they will see we're still the same people they've always had fun with, it's that we don't happen to believe the same things anymore. It will definitely come up soon with our friends since our son is now officially 18 months and is nursery age. We've gotten many questions and comments about how wonderful it'll be once he turns 18 months so he can be in nursery...then comes the awkward pauses...but now, I know longer want to sidestep the questions or comments.

This will be a big turning point in my life. I know it's going to be really tough because I'm bound to lose a friends or two and we're bound to have many difficulties with my DH's family. I just hope the transition goes smoother than imagined and that friends and family will be able to love us despite our unbelief. Here's hoping...

Beautiful Speech for Gay Rights!

2010-08-05T14:43:00.000-06:00

Door to Door Atheism video! Hilarious

2010-07-22T09:39:00.000-06:00

Found this one floating around the Internet and thought it was just too funny to not share!

Door To Door Atheists Bother Mormons - Watch more Funny Videos

Just Enjoyin'

2010-07-09T22:37:00.000-06:00

Life's pretty good. Getting through school, devoted son is growing up big and healthy, hubby enjoying his work. We're enjoying Sundays off now, getting to do fun things and being together as a family. I would have to say this is the happiest I've ever been in my life so far and that just makes me even more happy. Life is still tough and there are going to be rough patches, but I'm enjoying my new found freedom. I'm meeting wonderful people that are going through similar trials. Gaining a new world view, new insight.

Also had a wonderful discussion with my sister about my leaving the church and she conceded I had valid points and it was just a huge surprise. There is still the in-laws finding out that worries me...that fallout is NOT going to be pretty.

Yup, just enjoyin'.

My Last Mission Interview

2010-06-20T11:40:00.001-06:00

Yesterday DH and I decided to go through our mission stuff and decide what we wanted to toss, etc. I had two huge binders of mission stories, papers, articles, letters, etc. Lots of interesting stuff, but I thought I'd share the paper I found that contained an outline of what my MP said to me (to everyone) in my exit missionary interview. Actually what is recommended to the MP to tell his missionaries upon their leaving the mission:

1. Don't "return to normal" life. You know too much now.

2. Keep the commandments
     a. Tithing
     b. Others

3. What the brethren counsel be included in the last interview

a. Homecoming talk
b. Appearance
c. Continued study, prayer, temple attendance, etc.
d. Education
e. Marriage

4. How we c an determine if a mission helped a missionary? (from Elder Harold G. Hillam)

In five years:

a. Good education
     i. Elders- so can get a job that will enable wife to remain at home with children.
     ii. Sisters-so can help to support family if necessary.
b. Marry a worthy mate in the temple.
c. Have a valid temple recommend and use it often.
d. Have started a family (own or adopted).
e. Have a meaningful calling in the Church (requires you to be worthy and dependable).

I was pretty shocked when I read over this again. I thought it was interesting that they only mentioned specifically tithing under keep the commandments!

And determining whether the mission was good for a missionary within the five year time frame...I think they should extend that one since I know many that became disaffected after the five years. But what a small mold to confine people to. Sisters you should only get an education to help support the family if necessary since your main duty is to stay at home with kids...so if you want a career you're screwed. Or make sure you start some sort of family by five years...or else

Some interesting things. There were quite a few of these types of documents I ran into while cleaning them out. But this one was priceless! Hope you enjoy!

My First Podcast Interview!

2010-06-17T16:05:00.001-06:00

Tom from Mormon Expressions interviewed me and two other returned sister missionaries. The podcast is up and ready to be listened to. I sound really nervous because I was really nervous! So I throw a lot of ums and incomplete sentences into the mix! Hope you enjoy!

The Church and Marriage

2010-05-31T21:21:00.000-06:00

I recently found out that one of my neighbors decided to leave her husband and take the kids off to California where she's from. I was pretty shocked; they seemed like a great couple. But of course one never knows what goes on behind the scenes. My visiting teaching partner actually told me our neighbor's decision to leave her husband. She said it was because he didn't want to have anything to do with the Church anymore. I looked at her dumbfounded and said...so? I don't understand, just because he doesn't believe anymore why should that break up their marriage? She was taken aback and finally answered because he just didn't want to have a family anymore, aka, be a husband/father; he just wants to be immature and party, but really she didn't know too much. Firstly, I really don't know what the real deal is. I don't know her very well, but just two months ago she reported on facebook about how much she loved her husband and how he was the best...and maybe he really doesn't want anything to do with family and just wants to party, don't know. The thing that gets me is the mentality that it's OK to just drop your spouse if they don't believe anymore. That if someone goes inactive, has doubts etc then they just want to be lazy, immature, or party, etc. I had another neighbor say the exact same thing to me a few days later.

It got me thinking that if she really only left him for that reason then they obviously didn't have a great marriage to start with and that got me thinking about how many marriages are really like that. They are committed to the idea of the Mormon marriage and not necessarily the person they are married to. Then that got me thinking about how missionaries are sent out to convert people to Mormonism and that in and of itself is going to split families apart...how many converts were raised in one religion and go to another...so it's OK to split up families when it comes to the church??? Really? The mentality is so foreign to me and yet I remember thinking so similarly right before I headed on my mission.

I remember telling my boyfriend at the time (who was inactive when we first started dating) that I would never marry him because he wasn't an RM or wasn't going to be. Or how I got after him all the time because he listened to Black Sabbath and Creed! My worldview was so limited; only one way to do things and everyone else be damned. So sad.

The other thing I find sad is that everyone around here thinks my neighbor's ex-husband is some kind of immoral and evil guy now. I can't even imagine how he feels when he heads outside and sees his neighbors and wonders what they must think of him.

So I guess my thoughts really are let's just love each other for who we are and not what we expect he/she/ will become. And I really hope that people marry each other because they really love each other and not because they feel the other is their ticket into heaven!

The Outing Hath Cometh

2010-05-16T21:35:00.000-06:00

I had an almost perfectly lovely Mother's Day last week! My dh took me up to the Cheesecake Factory for brunch in the morning and enjoyed a wonderful afternoon as a family. Then we headed over to my sister's house for a family get together.

My TBM sister asked what my ward had given out for Mother's Day. I found a way to avoid the question. But when my mom asked me the same question while we were in the corner together it just kind of came out that we weren't going to church as often as before and then that led to a few other questions that I didn't feel like avoiding...so I basically came out to my mom on Mother's Day...She teared up and her first reaction was "Well, I hope your sister adopts your son so he can be raised in the church." She apologized later. But it still hurt.

So she probably told my dad that night and it'll probably eventually spread to the rest of my siblings of my "disaffection." It's a big step, but I knew I'd have to make it some day so now it's here.

My journey continues to open up before me and am enjoying each day as it comes. Onward and upward!

My Feminine Wound

2010-04-25T21:59:00.000-06:00

Yes, I have one. It feels pretty deep. Some days I don't mind it so much and other days I feel as if I'm hemorrhaging uncontrollably. I live in a world that's been dictated by men and I as a woman have learned from infancy how to live by those rules. It's the way the world is. I'm in an awakening of sorts, especially in my disaffection of religion and thus my whole belief system. Men tell me what to believe, whom to worship, and the best way to get to God, who happens to be male. I feel like I have a huge hole inside. I want to connect to the divine feminine.

And it's not just Mormonism...it's a lot of religions, but I even look at Christianity and I see male deity. What does it mean that Jesus was a man. Since we live in a man's world I can see how he would have chosen to come down as a man in order to have had people listen to him, in order to have as much freedom as he could in a world where women were property. But I wonder...could Jesus have been a woman? Why couldn't a Savior be female and be perfect?

It's frustrating and so depressing to me to be apart of a religion that refuses to allow any worship of the divine feminine. To be relegated to a secondary status, to be told how to feel, what's worthy, our divine natures and roles. If men and women are to make up a whole being then where is our half, the female half?

And yet I look at society...and I hear things like "you throw like a girl. You're a pussy." Men telling men that being a girl is bad, it's not as good, that you're weak...I'm kind of rambling here and just throwing out thoughts, but it's frustrating and discouraging. I hear many say that pornography isn't that bad if done in moderation, etc. But it's the exploitation that's bad...it's seeing women as mere sexual objects instead of as real people. I say it's an evil institution and that those who perpetuate it for money are evil. It just adds to the idea that women are good for only one thing...gratification of men.

I just finished a book by Laurie Halse Anderson called Speak about a teenage girl that gets raped and how she deals with it over the course of a year. Anderson says that she received a letter from a teenage boy asking what the big deal was? Why was it such a big deal, it was just sex. I shudder that we live in a world that teaches boys that sex is no big deal and that it shouldn't be a big deal for women either.

Even Martin Luther King, Jr. had a hard time dealing with women in power. He felt women had a certain role and his wife was expected to live that role. He had a hard time using local church women in his cause for equality...the patriarchy continues into every part of society, including religion.

I'm just kind of throwing things out right now. I haven't really jelled it all in my head. I'm reading Women and Authority by Maxine Hanks, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd, and Transforming a Rape Culture by Martha Roth. They are all opening up my eyes so much and have more to share.

So yes, I'm a feminist and proud of it. And change can only come as men get on board and become feminists as well. This the only way to provoke change. I'm still new in my journey and am encouraged by my new found strength. Onward and upward! My wound is big, but I feel that there is hope for it to heal.

A Blessing Way...

2010-03-22T15:11:00.000-06:00

My friend invited me to her blessing way yesterday...I'd never heard of anything like it before. She's an ex-Mormon and I think her husband is too. They've both been out of the Church for quite some time. She left due to finding a better way for herself to communicate spiritually. She's one of the most spiritual people I've ever met. She believes in past lives, soul connections, and I know there's more, though I haven't sat down with her yet to discuss (though, looking forward to it soon).

Her Blessing Way was amazing and so spiritual and uplifting. To check out what one is click here. She's having a home birth and these are usually planned in accordance. It involved both her and her husband. We offered things for her birth altar that would help her during her home birth. We each offered them poems on birth and children. We painted her belly and his hands and arms with leaves and suns. We created leis and crowns for them out of flowers. We offered them visions of their new lives as parents. It was so touching.

They amaze me because they are so in tune with their spirits, their spirituality. They have a sense of who they are. They shared with us that they feel they know where their son's previous past life was...somewhere in the Middle East, that they know his favorite color, his favorite songs so far, they feel his spirit speaking to them. This all made me reflect again on my own spirituality, my sense of who I am. While I still believe in God, I do not have a very good relationship with him/her. I feel like my own spirituality has been squashed with my years in the church; however, I'm not saying it's that way with everyone, just me and my experiences. It's been easy to check things off on my list of righteousness in the Church and call it good...I've looked at men in the priesthood and said wow, they are so spiritual since they get direct revelation from God in their blessings, etc...Now I feel freer to pursue my own spirituality whether it be through non-Christian philosophies, religious ones, both, etc. I now feel like can validate others' experiences with the Divine, that God gives his children many ways to feel his love and many miracles do happen because of that. It feels great. I haven't been this happy in along time!

Where I'm At Now

2010-03-19T21:36:00.000-06:00

It's just been too much for me...right now I cannot come to terms with my cognitive dissonance in regards to church history, and now Mormon theology and doctrine...when it comes to the temple ordinances and the inequality of gender and race I feel exists in all three.

I never enjoyed the temple...OK, I really have never liked it and at times hated going during TBM status...but now I cannot believe the ordinances were inspired and therefore I cannot believe they have any saving effect on me. I cannot believe that God inspired the practice of polygamy in any of its forms and as such cannot accept the Doctrine and Covenants that purports it to be a celestial existence. So either Joseph Smith was a complete fraud or God is really sexist and racist....for me, anyway, and I can't abide by either of those...so I'm choosing to put my faith in God that he's not sexist nor racist and therefore I choose to strengthen my relationship with him in whatever form, beliefs, etc that may take me.

I still desire to remain within the community of the Church and still find it has many wonderful and uplifting points and, of course, people. I still choose to attend at times, remain in my tiny calling, and visit other sisters in the ward. But a great weight has been lifted. I still feel very down since my whole world view has been shattered, but at the same time, I feel a lightening of spirit. One where I can say I can and am doing my best to do live my life with happiness and in the service of others in the ways that fit me best. I can say I don't know, I have no certainty now, but I feel that if it really was "true" in the next life then I can live with that...Like I said before...I don't want to deal with a God that views me as a second class citizen or anyone else based on race, ethnicity/culture.

I wish the LDS Church didn't sugar coat their history. I wish things were more egalitarian. But they do and they're not.

It's a rough road ahead...my family and friends do not know...my DH is struggling...he can't the history and feels his spiritual life has been shattered and wishes I hadn't talked with him about my feelings and discoveries. So he's dealing with his own fall-out as well. And soon we'll feel the fall-out from out TBM family and friends. And there's also the "what are we going to do about religion with our son who's only one right now" discussion....

I seek for the good in everyone and in life, though, it is tough when I deal with anxiety and depression. I seek to find my own spirituality, to find my relationship with God.

My life will never be the same and will be forever changing and I only hope for the better. I only hope that God may forgive me if I am choosing the "wrong path." But I do this because it's the only way I feel I can be true to who I am.

I thank all of my followers, John Dehlin, Faithful Dissident, the awesome bloggernacle, NOM, my DH, my son....lots of unnamed people who have and are helping me through this difficult time by your comments, interactions, podcasts, stories, insights, etc that you have and are sharing!

Hugs to you all!

What do Stephen Colbert and Joseph Smith Have in Common????

2010-03-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

OK, this is a misleading post...I just had to share this awesome picture someone made as their avatar on the NOM board...It just make me laugh so hard!!!! Hope you enjoy it too!

A New Calling....

2010-02-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

I've been without a calling for over a year now. I quit my primary calling at about 8 months pregnant when I just couldn't move at all. This last year with my baby has been very tumultuous and as such my little family and I have not made it too church as often as we probably should. I think the bishop and his minions have noticed.

I was called in to his office on Tuesday and I knew it was time...a calling. Then came the dilemma. Right now I know I can't handle anything that requires me to be at my meetings every Sunday, especially primary. I'm still in a pretty fragile state. So I was gearing up to defend myself about why I couldn't accept the primary calling being extended to me. I had dialogues in my head, I even practiced with my cats! he he.

So I go in and am waiting for it....Relief Society greeter. Huh? I think there are one or two others in my calling. And it's pretty laid back; just a spotlight on the sisters here and there and done! And then my dear bishop talked about how hard it is being a new parent and how things just get thrown out of whack (my words, not his). I was really impressed. He showed a lot of compassion for me that night. I know that there are so many women in the ward who can take on three callings, have three kids with their fourth on the way with no problems. So it was comforting to see that he was kind of looking out for me knowing that I'm not like everyone else.

Being a mother is freaking hard. It's the most continuous stressful thing ever in my life and I don't think it's going to get any easier. I really thought I would have to defend myself about why certain callings etc wouldn't work for me, but I didn't have to. I'd like to throw in a thanks to God too, even though I don't necessarily feel it right now. It's just nice to have something positive to write about for a change.

Testimonies

2010-02-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

I went visiting teaching today and it got me thinking about this topic since I've been struggling with my own testimony of the Church and even who God is. My partner and one of our teachees were discussing how they were both inactive or semi-inactive before they got married and that once they met their active husbands and were married they started attending church regularly and have been doing so over the years they've been married. My partner said her family was inactive and so she just never went and that once she got married it became something she did. I began to wonder how many Mormons have 'testimonies' like this. They just go because that's where they are in life without actually pondering and wondering and studying and asking questions to gain that conversion. I guess that's kind of my struggle right now, I'm doing more of the questioning and anger thing right now and studying but not really in the scriptures. I've been that person who went out of duty and not really knowing why I was doing those things...maybe I'd get extra points up in heaven if I continued on that path. Right now it seems a bit silly. I'm in the let the anger simmer stage and hopefully I can get to the I want to actually talk to God phase let alone the reading of the scriptures and attending all my meetings phase. So then I realized I need to focus my anger and my cognitive dissonance with getting out of my little shell and working on being more unselfish with my son and husband and also finding ways to put myself out there in the community to help others. I want to find that peace that comes from helping others and hopefully in the meantime I can find that peace with God.

Ringing in the New Year

2010-01-06T20:44:00.002-07:00

I say good riddance to 2009...that year was probably the most stressful and life-changing ever, even including my crazy mission.

I saw myself go from pretty active to semi-active...to indifferent to God to pretty angry with Him right now...from not thinking about Church history to discovering the blogosphere and finding people who have similar struggles. Having a child and struggling with postpartum depression...

My heart still isn't quite in it, but I'm really trying to get there this year. I'm trying to make to sacrament meeting 3x per month for three months and then work up to Sunday School and then eventually to Relief Society and thus in time for my little boy to go to nursery. I'm getting down on my knees more to pray...still don't feel a whole lot...mostly I voice my angst and some thanks all in one. I'm even reading two pages a day in my Spanish Book of Mormon; it just seems better in Spanish. And I've committed to reading the new Gospel Principles book. I still roll my eyes a lot, though. And the temple...I haven't been in over a year now....but I want to go and at least do initiatories and baptisms for the dead every two or so months, to work my way back in to maybe doing endowment sessions again, but I don't think I'll ever to sealings again in my lifetime. It's still too painful right now.

My DH and I got our temple recommends renewed in November...that was really difficult. I didn't have too many difficulties when it came to faith in God and Jesus Christ and even Joseph Smith or the Word of Wisdom...then he asked if I associate etc with those who aren't for our teachings. Does this blog count? Does wanting equal rights for gays count? So I said all the right answers, but there was so much I wanted to say and knew I couldn't.

Let's see...some other annoying tidbits from my lovely ward out here in Utah County...women cannot gather in the churchhouse without TWO I repeat TWO Melchezidek priesthood holders by order of our stake president. We started an exercise group and every week we have to send sign-ups around for men who are retired or who work from home to come and "babysit" us while we exercise in the cultural hall. Well, one of the sisters is the primary president and she has keys so even though we don't get men every day the days that we don't she still opens it up and we have our class. And she is as straight as they come in obedience and all that...so it just goes to show that everyone has some things they want to see changed in the Church.

We're writing letters to our SP to ask for special permission to do so without men. It's just our stake's policy. What are they worried about? Gang shootings? Nope. Rapists? Since the men who come to "babysit" our elderly I don't feel any safer having them around...all of us could kick any guy's butt who came around...so nope on that one. Liability? Can't be since we have as much right to enjoy that building as any priesthood holder, so no on legality. Let's see maybe if one of us gets hurt? Well, we all can pray pretty good and we all have cell phones and know how to dial 911....my rants could go on...

Anyhoo, here's to hopefully a better and more peaceful year!

The LDS Left Magazine

2009-12-22T08:37:00.003-07:00

I'm doing a shameless promotion for this free magazine called the LDS Left magazine. It's "For Mormons who hold testimonies of the Gospel and find legitimacy in the ideals of the left." But I feel it can be for anyone who's trying to gain a better understanding of their own beliefs and the belief of others. For we can all be together under one religion and yet not be together as a people. I really feel that this magazine offers that togetherness. I think there is something for everyone here...I don't agree with everything everyone writes about, but it still gives me the chance to hear what other people think and in turn I can assess my own beliefs.

For more information head to the LDS Left website and to write in questions, comments, and a request for a free subscription email theldsleft at gmail dot com.

I also wrote my first article in the Winter addition of the magazine, a more full-fledged review on the book Black and Mormon by Newell G. Bringhurst and Darron T. Smith.

Black and Mormon by Newell G. Bringhurst and Darron T. Smith

2009-11-16T16:43:00.001-07:00

These articles were so insightful on being African American in a society that runs everything by white standards and then it delves deeper into how that affects African Americans in the Mormon church. How do they deal with the racist policies of the Church before the Priesthood ban was lifted in June of 1978? (How do I deal with it, actually). Many talk about how hurt they were, but how through their own personal experience with God they've been able to work through it.

Other articles talk about how since most of the LDS church in America is white, how they don't want to talk about race, but how it really needs to be addressed and that a lot of people in answer to why there was a priesthood ban continue to spread false folklore like "they weren't valiant enough in the preexistence or they are descended from Cain and thus cursed." These are completely false and yet are still used as reasons, which truly impact negatively African American members.

Black Americans have huge insights and ideas and culture to bring to the Church...I would really love to see more active hymns in the church, saying a few amens in agreement during sacrament meeting would be great!

I think it's very important to be aware about who we are and how we relate to others. Let's embrace all cultures over the world and incorporate their beautiful traditions into ours as well and truly become a worldwide church.

I really recommend this book for all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or for those interested in African American studies. It helps us see ourselves in a new light and to change what we didn't know was ignorant or insensitive before.

Thanks

2009-11-10T21:26:00.002-07:00

I just wanted to give a big thanks to Laura, Faithful Dissident, and Carol for their encouraging words and love! I'm working on getting my meds readjusted and maybe some therapy. I was hoping I'd snap out of my postpartum depression, but it just seems to keep lingering and the early nights now aren't helping either. But I have a wonderful husband who keeps me laughing despite life and my little boy gives me both joy and pain. I'm still unsure about where God fits in right now, but for now I'm just focusing on the good things that I already know I have and hopefully things can turn around for the better soon.

Apathy

2009-11-02T17:39:00.002-07:00

Absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

I guess that could describe someone who is depressed so I could use that as an excuse for why I'm feeling that way now. Though, I'm sure it takes up a part of it, I know that it's not all of it. It's hard to stay interested when I just don't care. Don't get me wrong, I want to care. I have no desire sew any wild oats or anything like that. I'm just having the hardest time desiring to gain that relationship with God and therefore my scripture study is lax, I haven't been to the temple in a year, my prayers are sporadic, and church is usually just to go because I should not for anything I may gain there. It's so sad. I used to love going to church. OK, love is too strong, enjoy is better. I also enjoyed reading my scriptures...temple? Well, I don't think I've ever enjoyed that one...

So, yes, I'm apathetic right now. It's depressing, but it's the truth. I don't want to be here forever, actually I don't want to be here now. Apathy is even worse than anger, for with anger one still cares. I care, just not as much as I used nor as much as I want to.

I wade through my day-to-day things and praying that I can gain a desire to care once again. I remember God answering a prayer or two which shows that He cares, but then I look back and say well it was for an ulterior motive...Right now it's just not enough to sustain me in my dark hour.

But I know the only way to gain that enlightening, peace, and relationship with God is through doing things I'm supposed to be doing...scripture reading, FHE, temple attendance, prayer...all that stuff...

Little by little...

One Tough Week

2009-10-18T11:32:00.003-06:00

My son had surgery last week...talk about the week from hell. The surgery went great, but my poor boy had the hardest time getting back on his sleep schedule and feeding schedule. He was in a lot of pain the first three days, we even had to take him to the ER cuz he kept vomiting. And then some nights he wouldn't go to sleep til one in the morning...It was soooo hard. I am so appreciative of my DH, he took most of the night shifts with him even when he had to get up early for work the next day just so I could get a little more sleep. I don't take stress very well and this week was a flashback to when I suffered severely from post-partum and my son was colicky. I think I cried every night last week, bawling is more like it. But last night was the first night in over week that my son finally slept all night! I got a halfway decent night's sleep! It's amazing at how much adversity and trials and struggles will help you to appreciate the times that aren't so crazy and tough. I really felt that God was giving me a bit of extra support even though I don't deserve any at all right now. But He really helped my little boy work through it all this week and helped me stay partially sane! So are all my doubts forever shattered and answered? No. Do I completely feel like God loves me all the time? No, but this week was a little step closer to gaining a better relationship with Him. So onward and upward, well, maybe a few steps backward along the way too...

There's Hope...

2009-09-30T09:00:00.000-06:00

I just finished listening to John Dehlin's podcast with Rotten Tomatoes and Serenity Valley. They each described their Mormon stories and when they are now and why. I really, really enjoyed the testimony of Serenity. She talked about how she was holding onto all of her guilt, anger, shame, sins, etc and finally one night she told Christ she was done with it and didn't want it anymore and that she was giving it all up to Him. She said she truly felt that Christ did take it all away that night; she knew God loved her and that as long as she put her trust and faith in Him she would be OK. When she got this special witness she was out of the Church. But she said that eventually God told her to head on back to the Mormon Church and this is where she's at now. She places her faith in God and feels His presence in her life, but the questions and doubts she had before are still there...

So this brings me to the point of finding my own peace with God. It's so helpful to see that there are those who have found peace, feel that God loves me, that he's apart of their lives, but doubts remain, questions left unanswered.

There's hope...

My Own Stage Four and Dealing With Tragedy

2009-09-13T21:12:00.000-06:00

I just love John Dehlin's Mormon Stories. I just finished up on his three-part series on Fowler's Stages of Faith and how it relates to Mormon stages of faith.

Stage 3 involves the conviction that everything about the Church is true and are looking for ways, etc to back that up. Stage four involves the questioning stage, the disaffected stage, the wondering if this church is really led by God and sometimes if there is really is a God.

I've kind of been in between stage three and four for a few years now, but was thrust into stage four within the past few months with the birth of my son and post-partum depression. I can't explain why it happened. I was pretty content with being discontent a year ago. But now I've found the bloggernacle, books, and especially people, my people who have gone through, are still going through many of the things I am and that are still trying to be active and find their own peace with the Church and God.

I'm still in the 'a bit bitter stage' with God, but am starting to feel a bit of hope as I study, read, blog, pray, serve, etc that there is light.

But I must admit these last few weeks have been a bit rough. My neighbors just lost their 8 month old son to cancer last week. She told me a month ago that right before he was diagnosed she was thinking to herself how wonderful her life was going and that it pretty easy, more or less. And then her son was diagnosed with the most malignant cancer a child can get. She decided to start her own blog on her family's trial and faith during this time. They've never shown anything but faith, strength, and love for God. Everytime I see her she's so upbeat, though I know she feels otherwise.

The funeral was so beautiful. I admire them for their faith and just being able to deal in any way with losing a child.

I can't even imagine losing my son. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I really don't hide it too well. I would completely fall apart if this happened to any of my loved ones, especially my husband and son. It got me thinking about what is expected of us, at least in my humble opinion in the Church, when tragedy strikes, especially physical tragedy. How would people have reacted to this family if they had turned bitter and resentful or had grieved more openly with anger? They had so many responses of love and service and continue to do so. But if the way they dealt with their son's illness were less "faithful" would they have received as much concern and help from those who didn't know them well? It brings me back to the stiff upper lip in the Church. Who can endure the best while putting on the nice face?

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly believe that this family is completely sincere in how they handled this horrible tragedy. This is their faith; it's strong and has only been made stronger. I only use their story as an illustration, to ask the question if it happened to a family that didn't handle in this positive manner. Just something that got me thinking about how I might react and handle a tragedy like this...I don't think so well. My tragedies have been more on the mental side...

And thus life continues on the road to?

My Brother and Mental Illness

2009-08-30T08:52:00.004-06:00

I've already mentioned this, but my could be the poster child for mental illness. I'm trying to set up a little background here. My mother has bipolar disorder and we're pretty sure her mother had it as well, though never officially diagnosed while living. And now one of my sisters, and all of my brothers, and me have some form or other of inherited mental illness. But I wanted to talk about my brother BL, who has schizophrenia and how this has affected all of our lives.

BL pretty much grew up during the time that my mother was still pretty crazy and hadn't a clue she was mentally ill. So life was pretty tough. BL was smart, friendly, and an 0ver-achiever; he excelled, during school, in all things academic. Everyone in our ward thought he was the sweetest and kindest boy. And so when he turned nineteen he did what any obedient and faithful Mormon boy would do and went on a mission. The experts say that schizophrenia usually doesn't present itself until the twenties and usually under high stress situations. Thus, my mother's mental illness didn't rear its ugly head til she had twins as her first babies and had to deal with that kind of stress. So BL didn't really experience any symptoms til he reached his mission. He mission president told him from the moment he saw that he was special and would do great things out in the field. So he already had high expectations from his leaders.

He moved up the ranks pretty fast, but he soon became really depressed and eventually began into paranoia, and the voices. At first his MP thought it was because he wasn't obedient or had enough faith. It finally took an actual psychiatrist to tell the MP that he was pretty sick and needed to be sent home on medical leave. So BL came home, did some time in the hospital and then came back to the house again to get stable enough to get reassigned to the local Salt Lake mission. So he was able to finish out his mission.

I was about eight at the time he came home and he was in a psychotic state. It was very disturbing for me to see my brother so sick. I just remember being scared and sad at the same time.

But he never fully recovered for when he got home he soon married a girl from our ward. Now some more background. My dad had home taught this girl's family for years. They had a lot of problems. Their mother Sis. W had some mental health issues that she wasn't willing to deal with and thus it affected her whole family. Her husband Bro. W was also a cop. So my brother married CW. We loved C. She was the sweetest person and since we kind of grew up in the same ward we had an extra special love for her. We weren't so fortunate with my other brother R's first two wives. C's family was pretty crazy, but she had seemed to rise above it and seemed willing to be the support that my brother needed. (And what family doesn't have some craziness?)

They eventually had two children while BL was trying to work and finish off school. But soon life became too stressful and he ended up on disability and that's when all hell broke loose. BL had gone off of his medications and slowly slipped in a psychosis. He began to see laser beams shooting out of the television and then his mind used his strongest influence, that of religion and God, to wreak havoc. The voices began telling him that he was the next prophet and that he had been commanded to live polygamy again and a lot of other revelations. It became so real that even his wife believed him and another couple as well. They believed he was a new prophet and they swapped wives around as well. It got so bad that he even became physically abusive against his wife if she didn't do what he said. But since she was brainwashed into his psychosis she gave in believing it was God's will. I thank God that the children were not hurt at least physically, though I know they'll carry some emotional scars.

I'm not sure how it all came out, but it did. I remember talking to C and asking what happened. And she had seemed to come out of her own psychosis and said that BL didn't know what he was doing due to his schizophrenia. And it's true; my brother would never even think of doing any harm to anyone ever. That's how horrible this disease is and how it can rip apart families.

But when her parents found out they were livid. And rightfully so at first. It was truly hard on all of us once we found out what had happened to C. But I knew that with medication and therapy my brother would be fine or at least non-violent and would be able to live within society.

Her parents completely turned against us. They told us that we either cut off our son and brother or else they would have nothing else to do with us. They told us that BL was wicked and evil and that he was deceitful and manipulative and did not have a mental illness. They threw everything they had at him and since C's father was a cop he had plenty of pull and sway within the legal system and they used it all according to their advantage. They never ever showed any amount of Christ-like love during this whole ordeal. And since we were in the same ward they used every argument against us to the bishop and stake president. And they have at every parole hearing claimed fear and anxiety against my brother (that he'll harass them, etc), though, he's never even tried to contact them in any way since he was convicted. He even freely gave up his parental rights to his two kids to be as penitent and complying as possible.

The persecution got so bad that my family's only option was to move out of the ward. And soon afterward they refused to let us see the kids unless we denounced BL. So I have a niece and a nephew that I haven't seen in about 12 years now. They're in junior high and high school now.

It's such a hard issue since we focus so much on free agency and choices. That's where the gray areas start to take over.

My brother's weakness is religion. I just visited him on Sunday and asked him about what he feels/experiences when he hears the voices. He told me that anytime he starts to pray, think, read anything about religion/God the voices come back and it feels like God is actually talking to him and telling him what to do. So he decided that he's have to let go of all spiritual matters in order to stay sane. He can't differentiate between the feel-good of the voices and the Holy Ghost or the burning of the bosom; it's all the same to him. He's hoping once he gets out of prison he'll be able to find a good enough dose on his anti-psychotic medication to get rid of the voices period.

Physical ailments and deformities and diseases are a lot easier to deal with since they're seen in the physical sense. But mental disease...people have a hard time understanding what that means. My brother completely thought everything he did that landed him in prison was from God and that if he didn't do them he would be burned and go to hell. Due to his inability at that time to take control over his disease he turned psychotic and was unable to live in reality and therefore was unable to choose what was moral and right.

So I advocate for understanding and tolerance. I advocate for love and charity. Mental illness in all its forms are devastating and therefore needs to be understood in order to help those in and out of the Church who suffer from its terrible effects.

Maiming My Hometeacher and Temple Dedication

2009-08-24T16:06:00.002-06:00

Not that I actually maimed him, mind you, but I really wanted to. Him and his partner came over a couple of hours before the Oquirrh Mountain temple dedication this last Sunday for hometeaching. Last month he berated me for not wanting to have another kid and I thought I was pretty clear when he did so that it wasn't something that needed to be talked about again. I mean, even if I wanted another one, which I'm still undecided, he's only six months, for crying out loud and it's not of his damn business. So when he came over yesterday I figured that would've have been the end of it. Not so...for the September Ensign's opening article is on "The Influence of Righteous Women." And so I figured we wouldn't get this message till September, but he skipped right on over August just so he could tell me what kind of influence I needed to have. He talked about how Utah has the highest graduation rate or at least one of the highest and that it's due to families and mothers in the home. And that he was so glad that Elder Uchtdorf had talked about women getting an education. Well, the prophets and apostles have been talking about that for awhile now so not new, but I guess it was to him. I know, I was already bitter about this guy so most of what he said just inevitably rubbed me the wrong way. Where if someone else had said these same things it would've been fine. Then he finally threw in his opinion on me not wanting to have more children or at least being undecided at the moment. He said that I'll forget the pain and that I'll be sure to have two or three more and that he just had to throw that last comment in! Talk about insensitive. I finally said it's a personal choice along with a lot of other things and just rolled my eyes. Grrr. It didn't set a very good mood for the temple dedication for me. So I really wanted to throw him out on his butt and tell him never to come back, but I forestalled. But I will not allow him to get away with it next time and after that he won't ever see me since I'll not be around when he comes. So I really need to repent the images of shoving a rag down his throat to shut him up or ripping his face off...

I haven't been to a temple dedication since the Timpanogos temple was dedicated back in 1996. I was sixteen and our stake was involved in the Open House. We got to push people through in wheelchairs, etc. So it was a rewarding experience for me back then. So I decided to go to this temple dedication since my husband hadn't been to one before and I thought since it didn't involve ordinances that I'd be OK!

The Oquirrh Mountain temple is beautiful! No surprise there; the Church spares no expense when it comes to temples. And there was a wonderful peaceful feeling when I entered my Stake house. I was also glad to see Sister Silvia Allred speak. She's just a really sweet lady and Spanish-speaking people are just dear to my heart!

All of the talks were on temples and their importance for our eternal exaltation and being together with our families forever. Lots of them spoke on making temple attendance a regular part of our lives in order to instill within our children the desire to see the temple and go there someday. Going there with an open heart and a contrite spirit was also emphasized and how through this our understanding of the gospel and our love will grow each time we visit. I thought about this a lot. I know that that's the way it is for most active and faithful Latter-day Saints. I certainly wanted it to be that way when I prepared for the temple and received my endowment. I went there with as much faith as I could muster. But I never felt that way. I only felt worse each time I went. And I went once a week for four months right before I went on my mission. I felt peaceful at times in the Celestial Room, but other than that. I just can't imagine why these ordinances are that important and what do they say about God? My point is that I've tried to have faith and trust in God as I've journeyed to the temple and try and live his commandments. And yet no peace, not yet. So I can see the goodness and the peace that can come as one humbles oneself and tries to live the way God wants her/him to live.

Right now it's just too hard to separate cultural practices with peace from God. If He's God and loves me why can't it be reflected in His supposedly true Church? Lots of people say it does, but I won't believe that until I see it in its sacred temple covenants and how our roles are presented, etc. Others have been able to find that peace despite the concerns of the cultural practices of the Church...I'm still searching for that. Is there something inherent about being able to humble oneself enough in order to gain that peace? I guess to start it's about baby steps. I'm still praying and I try to get some spiritual reading in a day. I was supposed to read the New Testament daily and that has yet to happen. I've gotten to the second chapter in Luke!

But how do I let go of my anxiety and cynicism?

I even talked with my mom the other day on how she views her relationship with God. She said she doesn't pray that much anymore since her and my dad have been going through some rough times with my siblings over the past ten-fifteen years, especially with my sister and her kids. So she's also having a rough time on trusting God, but for completely different reasons than me. So I guess we're all in the same boat, just at different sinking levels! Once again some days feel like three steps backwards, but others feel like baby steps forward...so onward and upward!

Thoughts: Mormon America by Richard and Joan Ostling

2009-08-20T15:17:00.002-06:00

This is the first book out of many that I've decided to read in my journey through Mormon Church history. I learned quite a few new things. I felt that it was a fairly unbiased book for the most part...though, towards the end of the book I felt they were a little more critical. They used an Orwellian reference to the Church and such words as indoctrination. Highly pejorative words, but I felt they were well-placed.

It was a fascinating read and it read pretty well. While reading I was looking to nitpick apart everything...both the authors and the Church...the authors stated that no caffeine is part of the Word of Wisdom and we therefore must abstain in order to gain a temple recommend, obviously, not true.

They had some really nice things to say about us, such as how family-focused we are and the good morals we teach. While reading what a typical or an ideal Mormon family was like I realized that I had never actually met one! They set up some pretty high standards!

History:

I didn't know that Joseph Smith had instituted a Council of Fifty and that he and a few of the following prophets had anointed themselves as Kings of Israel! I also didn't realize how much of a theocracy the early days of the church was. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it in the early days...of course, I say that with my modern sensibilities!
Polygamy- It's always been a sticky subject for me, but not a lot of info on that end from the Church. In the official CES manuals it's hardly mentioned at all and in Deseret Book produced commentaries on the Doctrine and Convenants it usually just says it was practiced. I always thought, OK, it was practiced to weed out the unrighteous and to raise up seed, but I'm sure it was always done on the up and up! Not so...lots of documentation on Joseph coercing other women to be his wives and promising exaltation for them and their families...just sounds like a lot of priesthood coercion that he spoke out against in the D&C...so not sure on this one. I still have a few more books on this to maybe flesh more of it out.
I've thought of this before, but my thoughts came back to it as I read about the power pyramid in the Church. The general membership has no say in anything, really. In Conference and in Sacrament meetings it's just a formality to sustain. Maybe if the majority were opposed. Plus, why are all the leaders elderly, rich (usually), and white? I really wish we could grab onto some more diversity since this is supposed to be a world religion. Why can't missionaries where the formal native dress of those they are called to serve? We end up sticking out like a sore thumb and look like outsiders.
Saintly indoctrination- The Church has over the years lessened its focus on intellectual lessons and ideas and instead has focused more on indoctrination (author's word). I quote Armand Mauss: "An in-depth historical and contemporary study of the Church Educational System would almost certainly demonstrate in great detail the gradual (and probably deliberate) transition from a pedagogical philosophy of the intellectual articulation and reconciliation to one of indoctrination."

Well, these are just a few thoughts and highlights of the book; there are a lot more ideas and thoughts, but I thought I'd be brief. I'm really looking forward to reading "Rough Stone Rolling." I want to learn it all, good, the bad and the ugly, and figure it all out with God's help along the way.

How My Other Half Is Dealing

2009-08-16T23:46:00.002-06:00

My DH and I had a pretty big blowup about religion yesterday. I thought he was handling my doubts, challenges, and questions pretty well...not so much. We got into a discussion and basically he told me he didn't want to go back to church, that he didn't want anything to do with organized religion. He said it just caused too much discord in our marriage. I'm pretty sure he's just acting out since tonight he went to a training meeting for his calling and came back saying everything he needed to do to get going....But I was pretty upset.

For one thing I never wanted to have him lose heart in his own testimony, I just wanted the person I love to be there for me, to listen, and hang in there with me during this trying time. He basically said that he was going to live this life up and enjoy it since he was pretty sure we weren't going to make it in the next life...talk about depressing. I don't want to leave the Church, I am continually working on my own testimony and trying to come to terms with God at this time. But my is now even harder since my DH is also having his own struggles...so we're kind of at an impasse right now.

I talked to my dad the other day and he was saying that even in the next life those who don't want to "be Gods" will still be able to stay together, though they'll have no increase. Not that he really knows, but it was a nice thought, that my hubby and I could still be together and be with our friends and family even if we didn't want to be stewards over worlds without number...well, I'm holding out for it! So still working and slaving away on trying to do my best and build my relationship and faith in Christ and being one with my hubby as well...Is there hope? I hope so...

Letters to God: Could a woman be a savior?

2009-08-12T16:02:00.004-06:00

Dear God,
I'm kind of struggling right now with my faith. I know you know that, but just wanted to get that out. And since I'm a little angry, I'm using the term God instead of Heavenly Father.

I guess I've always had a bit of a struggle even when I was younger like not liking Girl's Camp that much when I was a teenager or when I bawled after I received my endowment for the first time and they weren't tears of joy. So I've kind of been neglecting my testimony, I guess, over the last few years.

So here it goes: Is the patriarchal order of things really going to exist in the next life? Is my role really only that of wife and mother, not only in this life, but the one to come? Where's my Heavenly Mother? Why aren't we supposed to pray to her and seek her counsel. If this life is a pattern for the next then shouldn't Heavenly Mother be nurturing us as her children? Do women really and literally give birth to spirit children? That's not a life I look forward to. Also, since Jesus was and is male and was the only perfect being to walk this earth, what does that mean for women? Can there or could there be a perfect female? Could a female be a savior?

If the LDS church is really your restored church why does it feel so sexist and racist? Please tell it's because of the Fall and the culture and that they're just not ready to handle more at this time. Why can't the Church be open about its history good and bad. Why do your leaders say that not all truth is good and that there are times not to tell it? I believe in being honest, why can't your Church practice this? Why must they treat the members like we're too fragile to handle that history and full-disclosure?

Please help to separate these feelings from the feelings I have for you. I want to gain a stronger relationship and the peace that comes with it. Find peace in being a woman for my unique gifts and talents as an individual, not as another role to fill or play.

I have so many questions and so many doubts about my worth and where I fit into this world and the next. I'm trying.

Thanks,
Kaylana

Gospel 101

2009-08-06T22:20:00.003-06:00

The wonderful blog The Exponent just did an amazing post on "the upper course of the gospel," which is love. It was so beautiful and it got me thinking. Alisa talks about how she was raised in a "Gospel 101" home, meaning she figured she had to be perfect in order to work out her own salvation and that she perceived a rewards and punishment system based on how obedient she was; she was obedient out of duty and responsibility, not out of love.

I was definitely not raised in a home with the "Gospel 101" theme. But I do have this mentality or have had it through most of my life. And I'm trying to think of why. My father certainly never demonstrated this or encouraged this ever through my growing-up years. My mother?? She was kind of out of the picture as a child due to her mental illness. So I'm going to have to say that it's possibly due to my own mental illness with depression, low-tolerance for stress, and anxiety. It's always been hard for me to feel the Spirit so I think I've figured that as long as I do my duty, my responsibilities, somehow that'll give me the rewards to get into Heaven.

The other thing I think is I've never been a big people person. I'm shy, I'm an introvert, at least until I get to know those around me. So maybe my Gospel 101 theme has helped me deal with my lack of getting-to-know people skills?? This was definitely another reason why my mission was so hard.

Well, now my whole life has been turned upside down with becoming a mommy and having my testimony on shaky ground. God really wants us to keep His commandments, not out of duty, but because we love Him. So right now I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm questioning God's love for me and yet I'm to keep His commandments because I love Him? This is such a troubling dynamic for me at this time in my life. I guess I need to be a doer of His word. Like I've mentioned before I'm really trying to pull myself out and be of service to those around me. Someone mentioned on another blog recently on going to the other two block meetings at Church in order to be of service to others, whether that's taking a class when they're short or sitting and talking to those who are new or are alone or even just making encouraging comments in class so the teacher feels better. With a six-month-old some of these service options are a bit out of reach til he gets older like when he's 18 months. So I guess searching out those who are looking lonely or those who I don't know and saying hey is a good goal. Since I really don't know anyone I've got lots of options!

I'm also focusing my scripture study on the Savior exclusively in the New Testament and the Book of Mormon. I'm also bucking up the courage to at least do initiatories at the temple and try to feel the Spirit in that context.

My DH and I had a discussion the other night on my feelings about not feeling God's love and wanting to. He told me that I'm not really in a position right now to feel His love so I really shouldn't expect it. I've thought a lot about that as well. Why can't I just be humble enough to feel it and have faith that He loves me? My intellectual brain, I guess, is getting in the way right now. I know there are a lot of people who have questions about the way the Church is run (patriarchal order of things, marginalization of women, etc) and yet are able to trust God and love Him and still keep a semblance of some peace despite the inequalities, etc. I really do want to get there. But I don't want to keep God's commandments in the Gospel 101 sense; I really want to get to the point where I keep them because I love Him and I've found peace. It's bit by bit; and I hope my anger can subside as I do more to gain a better relationship with Him and Christ and eventually get to the point where I can humble myself enough to find that peace that only He can bring.

Visiting Teaching

2009-08-05T08:58:00.002-06:00

I took some time off from being a visiting teacher since my little boy was born. With him being colicky and with postpartum depression I knew I couldn't fulfill that calling at that time.

But I recently decided that I could take up the mantel of Visiting Teacher once more! I have yet to receive my teachees for this month. I'm looking forward to getting back into it in order to meet new people are at least be useful to people I already know. I really want to try and be a friend first rather than someone who visits once a month to get 100 percent on record. And right now I'm trying to decide how to go about even teaching a lesson out of the Ensign right now...last month's was on the temple and I have a lot of questions and uneasiness about it right now. I don't want to be a hypocrite and say how wonderful it is when I'm not honestly feeling that way. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear. Maybe if the person I visit is active I can ask her about her experiences and testimony and maybe that'll help to bolster mine. Or if she's not then we can just use this time to build a friendship...that's what I really want to do. My VTs are great women, but I'm not really that good of friends with them.

This is about all I can handle right now...I asked to be released from my primary calling a month before I gave birth and haven't received another one. And I'm really OK with that right now. I just need to learn and observe for the time being. Oh, the days that I just feel sooo guilty for feeling the way I do. I guess it's little by little....

Reading Mormon America and JS: Rough Stone Rolling

2009-08-01T22:45:00.004-06:00

I'm taking John Dehlin's advice and am going to start on his must-read list for Mormons. I've decided to start with Mormon America and Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling.

I always thought I knew about the basics of my history...Mormon history, that is. But I've realized that I absolutely hardly know a thing. I know the glossed-over basics. Joseph Smith was an unlearned boy, very religious, moral (refused alcohol for his surgery), only ever had one account of the First Vision, etc. Oh, polygamy was in there somewhere too...

Well, it's about time I got to know about all the good and the bad and the known and the not-so-known stuff about the early foundations of my religion and religious culture. I'm already on my own God quest in general and have heard and read about in small details of history...so I kind of know what to expect...maybe!

My DH saw the two books I brought home from the library and read the backs. I asked him if he wanted to know more about Mormon history/our history.

"No, not really." He says. "I don't really care. Is it going to get me closer to Heavenly Father?"

I think it definitely could and I told him so but he didn't think so and then I said "So playing your computer games does get you closer to HF?"

"OK, no. I just don't like reading."

I probably find this more humorous than anyone, but he's so funny because he tries to make up excuses to not read things, even though I know he doesn't like to read, but he never makes that excuse until I keep pinning him down! Oh, how I love him!

So here I go, plunging head feet first or maybe just a big, "ouchy," belly flop!

Reconnecting With Jesus Christ: My Goal

2009-07-28T22:27:00.003-06:00

I've been in a bit of an angry and bitter state about things lately. I know it's not healthy and other angry and bitter people tend to add fuel to the fire. So I'm really trying to take a positive spin on things at this point.

I just listened to two amazing presentations on why members leave the church and why to stay in the LDS church by John Dehlin his website Mormon Stories. He had his own crisis of faith and he talked about why he went through one and how he got through it. He brought up reconnecting with God and Jesus Christ on a personal level in order to try and feel their love again. The ways I want to try and do this are reading about Christ in the New Testament and in the Book of Mormon. I'm going to restart a monologue again with God in prayer. I haven't been praying for a bit since I've been so angry. And due to this crisis of faith I'm going through I've isolated myself a bit from my ward; though, I've been using my new baby boy as an excuse to skip out on my meetings so no one in my ward knows of said crisis; so I want to get more involved with my ward by serving. I figure I can feel love by giving love! I figure if there's only one reason to be here on earth then it oughtta be for loving others and showing and giving charity and tolerance to all!

So if I can just focus on this kind of spiritual journey instead of the cultural and some doctrinal things about the Church I don't quite feel good about then maybe I can start seeing my way out of this darkness I'm feeling. So here I go!

Dealing With Post-Partum Depression Part II

2009-07-27T10:06:00.002-06:00

Since I was finally in labor I wanted all the drugs they could give me! The anesthesiologist wasn't the friendliest guy, but at least the epidural was working. But as time progressed and I finally was dilated to a ten I still wasn't too happy with the epidural. I could still feel the pressure of my contractions and that wasn't too fun.

After I reached a ten it still took two hours til they told me I could start pushing...I had a feeling it wasn't going to work and that it would end up being a c-section. So I gave it a go...then after two or three pushes my upper back started to spasm every time I pushed. It was excruciating...my pushes were no longer effective after that and I was in so much pain from that. Finally, the doctor came in and did one push with and said that my baby was not progressing and since I couldn't do any good pushes anyway it was time for a c-section. Not that I wanted to get cut open or anything, but I knew it would be over soon!

The anesthesiologist came back in to numb me up for the c-section and I guess the pressure of the medicine going into my back shot up to my upper back and caused it to spasm once again, but it wouldn't stop. So I was bawling from that pain, but they couldn't give me anything else til my baby was out...everything was pretty much a blur after that. My DH came in with me...and I remember the doctor saying that he needed more help to get the baby out, and then a lot of pushing on my ribs and finally I hear crying and the doc saying "looks like he's ready to play football!" He was eleven pounds and one ounce! My sumo baby.

They had me on antibiotics the whole time and thus they had to put him on them as well and he had low glucose levels and jaundice. It was just so emotional. I didn't get to see my baby for a day since he was in the level II nursery and on antibiotics so he couldn't come to my room and I was in so much pain from the c-section that I couldn't get out to see him til the next day. None of the nurses talked to me about nursing and pumping. I had to ask them for a pump.

He never took to nursing, though I tried for about two months. So not being able to nurse him brought on a lot of guilt about being a bad mother, etc.

The weekend I was released my incision became infected. I had to see another doctor for it since mine was out of town and he was a complete jerk and ripped open my infection while I'm bawling my eyes out cuz it's so painful. And then tells me my mom will have to clean it out and repack the wound and for us to go buy supplies at the pharmacy! What a jerk. When I saw my actual doctor she packed and repacked it herself and eventually ordered Home Health so nurses could come in to my home and do it for me! I finally healed after six weeks.

Then about two weeks after my baby being home he turned colicky. He cried all the time and there was hardly anything we could do. I bought a ton of books on how to soothe him. We became swaddle experts and put him in his swing to sleep at night. It was basically hell for four months. I hated my baby, I hated myself, I hated my DH, and I hated God. I was in a really dark place.

I figured if God wanted me to have more than one he would've made my experience a relatively happy one. So my DH and I are guessing that He doesn't want us to have another.

When things weren't getting better I finally went into my family doctor and got on some anti-anxiety, Ambien, and Zoloft for depression. It's been a tough road, but the drugs are slowly helping and my son has slowly gotten over his colic and is sleeping at night. So getting more sleep and not having him scream all day long has definitely helped.

But I never in a million years thought having a child would be so traumatic to me. Within a month of him being born tons of people were already asking when we wanted our next one and how we'll forget about it and have another one in a year or so. Don't get me wrong I know time is a great healer; it helps the pain to dissipate. But why do people even have to ask? It's already been traumatic enough even if everything went according to plan, but to think about having another one this soon? Give me a break! Our home teachers came by last week and one of them is at least in his late 60s and asked if I'd already forgotten about the pain of birth and if I wanted another one soon. I looked at him and said no way. That was my hint of telling him to drop it, but nope, he kept bringing it up. Finally our other home teacher said well, I guess this is not a topic for the year 2009. And finally, it was dropped. But good grief!

It's just been really hard to come to terms with being a new mommy. I didn't really want kids in the first place and then to have the experience so traumatic...it's just really frustrating. I love my little boy, but man, it's just hard. It's so hard not to compare myself with all the other Mormon women in my ward. They just keep pumping them out year after year. I quit going to church the last three months of my pregnancy because I was just too miserable. But there were plenty of pregnant women who had two callings and three kids and nine months pregnant and were still doing great! Oh, the agony! And I can barely deal with my little boy let alone anymore kids running around. Feeling really crappy about myself, I guess, has just been part of the postpartum depression.

But things are looking up! My son is rolling over and has started eating some baby foods and rice! He talks a lot and drools and smiles and laughs! He's our little sweetie yet grumpy baby boy!

So I'm still a bit angry with God, but now for other reasons...being preggo in mortality has not made being preggo in the eternities look especially exciting. I have no desire to go through no matter what. So my take is I probably won't make it there and if some chance I do, it's not going to be like that!

Dealing With Post-Partum Depression Part I

2009-07-24T17:39:00.005-06:00

I will have to say that I'm definitely on the mend with some drugs and the fact that my little boy is over his colicky stage!

As a disclaimer I will say that I know lots of women go through a lot worse pregnancies and births than I have and will continue to do so. But for me my experience was pretty traumatic.

I'm the youngest of six children so I never babysat when I was a kid for younger siblings, etc. And I never had the desire to babysit when I got older for other people. Even when my siblings started having their own children I never had that feeling of wanting to babysit and have my own some day. Lots of my friends have told me that they had always wanted to be a mother since the time they were two! Not me. I was always afraid of having children. My mom wasn't the best mom while I was growing up, not until I hit my mid-teens did I start to have a real relationship with my mother. There's just so many mental issues within my family and didn't know if I wanted to pass those genes onto posterity. Plus I never had a desire to get married right out of high school and start making those babies at age twenty. I knew when I got married that if I hadn't finished school yet then I would do so before I started on having the little munchkins.

Kids just make me uncomfortable. Maybe I'm just selfish. But I also just hate working in the Primary and maybe that's why it's the only calling I've ever had in the Church! They're a lot of hard work no matter what, but man, for me I absolutely hated going to church every Sunday because I had to teach the six-year-olds. They scared me to death. So needlesstosay, I've just never had the "I want to be a mom" thought.

So in 2007 after three and a half years of marriage I finished school. Now it became decision time...have one now or not? We chose to keep waiting. We had just moved and I found a job and I just felt like I wasn't ready yet. Finally, in April of 2008 we decided to go off BC! So scary...I was kind of hoping that it would take at least a year for us to get pregnant...nope. I had two periods and then boom I was pregnant in June. I was terrified!

Things went pretty well for the first five months! I had nausea the first trimester, but no vomiting ever! Second trimester was awesome: no nausea, feeling half way decent. I even played volleyball in our stake! Then the dreaded last trimester hit. I got huge from water retention and swelling and my boy just getting big, big, and bigger. I could barely move since my back and my pelvic bone were in so much pain. I'm not a great sleeper to begin with (I have insomnia and mild sleep apnea) so when pregnancy got thrown in it was impossible. I could never get comfy and I had to pee all the time. I know I'm describing the same symptoms for about every pregnant woman! But I just couldn't believe how big and miserable I was.

Lots of women say it's so amazing to feel their child growing within...I hate to say it, but I thought it was kind of creepy and weird! It just freaked my out when I could feel him moving in there.

I also had never had a bladder infection before until my last trimester...I got three. And then I got a sinus infection that never healed up til after he was out. So nose constantly stuffy and full of gooey goo.

Also went into the hospital for a couple of contraction and bladder infection issues, which was so unnerving. I freaked out about whether the baby was moving, breathing, etc. I worried constantly about everything that could go wrong. My DH eventually told to stop reading anymore preggo books, since they obviously weren't helping my stress levels.

Even the pre-natal class we took was completely foreign to me. Some of the women in the class were crying at the end of the videos on birth! I just thought the whole thing was kind of icky and didn't want to think about it.

I finally measured my waist towards the end and my waist was as large as my friend was when she was pregnant with twins! I was getting pretty worried when my OB told me I was measuring a bit big and that we should do an ultrasound. Well, they guesstimated about nine pounds! And I still had a month left.

I didn't even want to think about breathing techniques or counting my contractions etc. I just wanted him out. By the time he was out I had gained fifty pounds and I my feet were so swollen I had bedridden myself. So church was out of the question for the last three months. And of course, I'm comparing myself to all the other pregnant women in my ward who are further along and have no problems going to all meetings, getting up for Primary since they're in the presidency and taking care of their other three kids! I felt pretty useless...

Finally, two weeks to go and I'm completely anxious, depressed, and stressed out and feel like I want to die. My bladder infection starts to cause me immense and excruciating pain, or so I thought. We head to labor and delivery and....I'm in labor! Finally!

Til part II...

Serving in the Canary Islands, Part IV

2009-07-22T17:30:00.002-06:00

Recovering from my mission is still an ongoing process. It left a lot of emotional and spiritual scars that are still healing. Writing about it now is part of that process. I came back pretty cynical. What purpose did it pose for me to serve where I served, with that MP and his wife? Why didn't I get one of those cute old couples that were so nice and preached and taught love and charity? What did God want me to learn? I don't think I had a significant impact on anyone there, not companions nor members alike. I'm in contact with about two of my old companions, but that's it. I would love to visit the Canary Islands again, but not to contact anyone from my mission. I want to go there to vacation and see the places I missed (which was just about everything). Even now, a few years later, I still have a bitter taste in my mouth about my experiences there.

When I got home my SP and the high council told me to pray to God and get confirmation that my mission was acceptable to the Lord. I thought about it and I prayed a few times for it, but eventually I gave up. What was the point? If it wasn't acceptable then what? I'm doomed? If it was then why the hell did I feel so horribly guilty and depressed and anxious the whole time I was there? I eventually figured it had to be acceptable or otherwise He wouldn't have led me to my sweet hubby!

So I do see a lot of good things that came from my traumatic experience in the Canary Islands as a missionary and try and cling to those things the best I can. Even to this day I still have at least two or three dreams a year where I am back on my mission and I can't leave even though I know I'm married and I have a child to take care of back home. All the anxiety and the hopelessness comes pouring back into me. The best thing I can do is keep plugging along and work on getting through these tough emotional issues that still reside with me as well as spiritual ones as I think about God and my relationship with him.

Serving in the Canary Islands, Part III

2009-07-21T11:24:00.003-06:00

Hna. B was quite the change. I went from drill sergeant in the military to one who had no desire to do much of anything. Don't get me wrong, I would take Hna. B over MM any day! It was really hard to get into the swing of things with her at first. And I always had that sense of responsibility hanging over me. Keep the rules no matter what. Even though I didn't feel good emotionally, physically, or spiritually I felt at least somewhat in control if I could keep the rules. Since Hna. B was the senior companion she got to say what goes. So if we stayed in for a bit longer during lunch, that was OK with her. But I kept feeling really, really guilty about stuff like that. So what eventually threw me for another loop is when my MP threw out goals we needed to make, like so many discussions a day, people to talk, and baptisms a month. When I couldn't reach those goals I felt like my eternal salvation was shot; I felt so hopeless...

Eventually Hna. B and I figured out our ropes. She also struggled with a lot of emotional issues such as depression and low self-esteem. And she had a scummy boyfriend who made her feel like dirt all the time. So we tried to buoy each other up the best we could even though we both felt like dirt all the time.

Then I was transferred to another part of the island with Hna. D! She was the best companion I ever had the whole mission. She was friendly, understanding, easy-going, and a hard-worker. We got along great. We both got pretty down when in our personal interviews he told us both individually and together that we had no faith and thus weren't seeing the success of other missionaries. When we calmed down I told her no way, that's not right. So I wrote him a really long letter telling him he was wrong and shouldn't have said those things. He wrote back and sort of apologized; I think he thought I was pretty cheeky for writing such a letter to him! Served him right!

Eventually Hna. D got transferred and I received Hna MeM. I was senior companion by this time and finding my own stride finally. She also had a lot of emotional issues. I'm not sure if this was the mission as a whole or what...I guess the Lord decided to send us basket cases to the Islands and be together!!! So due to our own insecurities, anxieties, etc somedays were a bit tought to get along. I also clung onto two elders in my district. Their attitude was we're going to work the way we feel is best for us and for those we teach and meet. They didn't keep all the rules or meet all the goals, but I liked their philosophy. Love the people and see what happens!

Then I got transferred to another island to be with Hna A. We actually went into the MTC together so we knew each other pretty well. At first we got along great. She's fun and enthusiastic! But she eventually got really sick and had to have surgery. She couldn't do a lot of proselyting after that and she ended up feeling a lot of guilt because of that. It was our last area and she wanted to go out in a blaze of fire. I was fine with staying in and studying and getting other things done. It took a lot of the pressure off for me and at first it was the happiest I'd been in quite some time. Then the guilt she felt became directed at me. That wasn't so fun. She finally admitted that it was better that she got sick because if roles had been reversed she would never have understood my need to recuperate and would have made my life hell that way.

I'm not sure why I went to the Canary Islands. Lots of people say they had at least one person they baptized and that was the one reason they were sent where they were. I had two baptisms on my mission and I didn't feel apart of either of them. The first one was with my trainer Hna MM. We found him contacting on the street. But I was new and didn't know the language and I was scared to death anyway. When he got baptized he thanked us the sisters for us teaching him, but the only name he remembered was my trainer's and called me the other hermana. Feeling the love! Number two I think got baptized because he liked God, but liked us as women more.

Before I left on my mission I always held missionaries on such high pedestals. Once I actually became one I realized how that was not true; mini-adults trying to take on such huge responsibilities. There were just so many petty behaviors. Missionaries tattling on each other, gossiping, back-biting, you name it. Even the MP's wife drove around looking for missionaries disobeying rules and filling her hubby in later! I received her wrath one night when she called and asked why I didn't tell her about a skin condition I was having on my eyes and that she didn't appreciate my parents calling her up about it. It made her look bad like she wasn't taking care of her missionaries! My parents only called because they knew I didn't think it was a big deal and would never seek medical help so they called her to help me get the ball rolling. They were flabbergasted at her reaction to their call.

It was just so hard to experience the anxiety and depression each day and have to deal with the tactics used by the mission. If I felt so anxious and depressed then I was selfish, I didn't have enough faith, and I wasn't being as obedient as I could, or I wasn't sacrificing as much as I needed to.

As I think back I realize that with my emotional issues I probably shouldn't have gone on a mission at least until I had gotten them under control. But since they didn't truly surface til I was out there I guess there's nothing I could have done. Most tactics of "increase your faith, sacrifice more, more obedience" usually works with normal people. Kind of the instill the fear of God to get people fired up and going. But for a lot of us in that mission and especially me it just did more harm than good. All I heard from MP's wife was "you just need to change your attitude, missy." I guess she never experienced chronic depression or anxiety in her entire life.

Til part IV

Serving in the Canary Islands, Part II

2009-07-18T07:40:00.002-06:00

Even getting on my mission was a bit of a trick. My boyfriend at the time wanted us to get married rather than go on our missions. I pooh-poohed that idea and sent him on his while I waited another six months for me to go on mine. Then health problems hit. I injured my neck in high school doing weights and it has haunted me ever since, and especially in times of stress and change, like preparing for the whole mission thing. I began to have tingling and numbness in my face and extremities. It was scary and I was scared, stressed, anxious, depressed. I went to a ton of doctors and got no answers. So I went into the MTC on faith. Maybe it was my body and mind telling me that I shouldn't go! It cleared up about two months into my mission so a little after I actually got to the Canary Islands. I was determined to make it through and figured that if I had endured this physical ailment I would be set....wrong.

Even in the Spain MTC or CCM the pressure was on. I had had a few years of Spanish under my belt, but it was spread out over a heck of a lot of years and my last class had been over two years ago by the time I was there. But the MTC president didn't care he figured since I had the experience period I should set the example to all of my peers and only speak Spanish. Every interview I had with him it was the same thing, you're not trying hard enough, do better. Which under normal circumstances most people can take that. But for me that anxiety and stress just made me buckle. I cried myself to sleep every night. Had a companion who had no clue what I was going through. And continued to beat myself up about what a horrible person I was because I wasn't living up to expectations and my Spanish was still so paltry compared to everyone else's.

But I still wasn't giving up!

Then it was on to the mission home to find out what are new area would be and who our trainers would be. I just remember being so scared and terrified.

It's finally my turn to meet with the mission president to get my assignment. He sits there pondering for a bit and looking at me. I'm thinking: "What is he thinking? He's scary. Where am I going? What am I doing here?"

Finally, "Hermana Mars, I already had your trainer and area picked out before you got here, but now I have a feeling we need to change it. I'm switching you over to Hermana MM on the island of Tenerife. I just have a feeling about you. Have you ever heard of sleepers? Well, that's what I think you are. You'll be so quiet at first and then boom you're just going to take off and take this mission by storm and Hna MM is just the trainer to get you doing that. She's our hardest working missionary we have in this mission."

The only thing I could do was nod my head and say OK. But inside I was reeling. A sleeper? Are you kidding me? You're putting that kind of pressure on me already? Now I have to live up to your expectations and some Nazi trainer???? OK, I know I didn't have a few of those thoughts since I was just too scared to even think much at that point.

When I first saw my trainer...she was a Nazi. There is a photo of us on this occasion and my trainer Hna. MM looks like she's going to eat me alive and I'm shaking in my boots!

I thought I had problems...though, I didn't realize it at the time, Hna MM was really, really crazy. The whole time I was with her I was emotionally and spiritually abused. I'd never felt so worse about myself ever in my whole life til I became her companion. I never did anything right, I complained too much, didn't have enough faith, didn't study enough, didn't step out of the box enough, didn't carry the cookie tray right....she was a waitress in her former life! I was forced to get up at 5 am in order to go running with her even though I couldn't hardly sleep let alone get up that early. I cried everyday in the shower; it was the only time I had to myself.

She told me to call the mission president and she wondered if I had some horrible sin that I hadn't repented of. I got the pat on the back and it's always tough at first speech, but just hang in there and it'll get better.

Hna MM turned to me one day and said that she had a pact with the Lord on her mission to do so much work and get so much done and that nobody, not even her companions were going to get in her way! Oh, the love and charity I never ever felt from her.

As I started talking to others in the mission I realized that Hna. Murray didn't get along with any of her companions previous to me either. She was just able to manipulate me more because I had such low self-esteem by that time I just ate up all the filth she tossed my way. I also learned a bit more of her home-life growing up...not too pleasant. She's a spitting image of her mother. She was also in an estrangement of sorts with her younger sister who was not walking the correct path of righteousness at that time. She even shared parts of her Patriarchal Blessing with me and it said her future children would have a hard time realizing that she loved them and to make special effort to show them her love! It hit me! She's just as messed up as I am, maybe more so! Not that it really helped me feel better about myself. Not until the female versions of the APs came to do exchanges with us did things turn for the better. One of the sisters was in the same situation as me with her companion. She felt unloved and abused emotionally as well. I was able to tell her all of my frustrations and anxieties.

When she went back with her companion the MP asked them if he should separate my companion and I. This sister completely and emphatically rallied for separation while her companion said we just needed to work it out and to stay together. I know if we had stayed together I'm pretty sure I would've gone home. I was in the blackest of black and suicide sounded like a pretty good way to get out of it...But alas my MP switched us up and sent my Nazi trainer away and brought her opposite in....

Til next post....

Serving in the Canary Islands

2009-07-13T14:22:00.010-06:00

I received my call....to the Spain Las Palmas mission! Yeah, I knew it was in Spain and therefore I'd be going Spanish-speaking. I looked it up on the Internet and realized not mainland Spain, but the Canary Islands! Islands, sweet! They're located off the western coast of Africa. The closest island is about 70 miles off of Morocco. I figured they would be very exotic...and they are in their own way, just not Hawaii or Bahamas exotic. Since they're apart of Africa they're desert islands so pretty dry and the really green parts are up in the mountains.

Let's start with the good. I love the people I met there and got to know! Canarians are amazingly hard workers and they know how to play hard as well! An older gentleman told me that we Americans live to work while he only worked to live. I found this very profound. It was so true. It was just a different feel over there. They got to take a two-hour lunch during the day and everything closed down during that time. Lots of people let us in the door and gave us food and drink and even prayed with us whether they were interested or not.

It was amazing to be able to experience a different view, a different culture and people and see a bit of the world through their eyes. I also loved learning a new language and their dialects of that language. Even their food finally grew on me! Spanish tortillas and ropa vieja are just super yummy dishes along with wrinkled potatoes and mojo sauce! They had the best yogurt and bread ever.

I also was able to work with a lot of Africans as well, mostly from Nigeria and some from Ghana and other countries! They were an amazing group of people to work with and interact. I got try a lot of their ethnic foods which were super yummy and learn a lot about their culture. I even got a marriage proposal from M daddy! And even had a baptism on the beach, so beautiful.

I'm so grateful for these beautiful life experiences that I never would have had the opportunity to live otherwise.

I also learned a lot about my own mental illness, i.e. my low-tolerance for stress and high anxiety along with serious bouts of depression (though, it took a little while after my mission to sort through it all with therapy and time). Pre-mission I figured I had a few stress areas, but they never came to the forefront til I hit the mission. The high stress environment really put it out there just like it did with all of my brothers on their missions. So I'm grateful for that as well. With my mom her illness didn't bear its ugly head til she had her first babies who just happened to be twins. Better to have it come crashing down sooner rather than later, like when I got married!

Til' next post...

Things I Have a Testimony Of

2009-07-10T10:09:00.002-06:00

Joseph Smith- He definitely wasn't perfect, but I do believe he was a prophet and translated the Book of Mormon and therefore is also another testament of Christ. Nor do I believe the Book of Mormon is completely perfect either. It was written initially by imperfect men and eventually translated by such as well.

Jesus Christ will come again- I received that testimony while as a young girl while singing "I wonder When He Comes Again" to myself. It was pretty strong. So this all combines into I know He's real, He lived, still lives, and will come again. My personal relationship with him, well, that's another matter all together!

My husband aka I married the best person for me and God put him in my path- I had been dating a semi-inactive member about a year and a half before I went on my mission. Actually when I married him he was not active at all. He lived with his return missionary inactive brother and never had a desire to go on a mission. Me being young and a bit judgmental told him about a month after we started dating that I would never marry him since he wasn't active and a RM. He got pretty upset about that, but decided he would give the active thing a try and prepare for a mission! I was so excited! Was he doing it for me? Of course, but I was hoping he'd find his testimony while on the journey of doing it for me. I knew he really didn't want to go because every few months I would get a quasi marriage proposal from him. "Let's just both forget going on mission and get married in a year or two instead!" I really loved him a lot and so I thought about it for about a nanosecond when I would eventually get the icky feeling that marriage before mission wasn't in my books. Later I realized it was marriage to him that wasn't in my books!

We both left on our missions with us getting back at about the same time, him two months before me. About a month before he got back the letters stopped. I became pretty worried about this and turned to the Lord in prayer. I was a lot more fervent in these prayers than I'd ever been my whole mission! But it worked. I got the distinct impression that I would meet my hubby that summer. And my companion at the time told me to be sure and try out my local single's ward when I got home.

Come to find out he'd figured out he didn't want to marry me a year into his mission while conveniently omitting that to me in his letters. He said he did it because he loved getting letters and packages from me and no one really did it at home! Pretty selfish I'd say. And I demanded my pictures back and a chance to really let him have it! He even told me that all his siblings thought I was going to beg to get back together with him! Boy, was he wrong! He was pretty stunned at the things I said and tried to apologize! I forgave him and told him to have a wonderful life! And adios!

I really do feel he was important in my life to help me figure out how to love someone back. So even though he was immature and a jerk he still holds a little piece of my heart being the first guy I ever fell in love with.

So that impression of meeting my hubby that summer was always weighing on my mind. I thought, hey maybe it's my good old friend J from junior high. We went "steady" for two months in eighth grade and have remained decent friends over the years, even writing to each other on our missions, etc. So I gave him a call and took him out to lunch to say hi and see...wow, no way was he the guy for me! Nice guy, of course, but way too unemotional. His mother had died a year ago and his dad was marrying her best friend exactly a year to her death! I found that a bit creepy. Plus he had the emotional maturity of a two year old. So I counted him out fast.

I headed out to my single's ward very reluctantly. I never had a great opinion of them and so I said to myself, I'll go for the summer and then I'm done! I ended up getting a calling for sports director and had a committee whom most of the members were the roommates of my future hubby. When I first saw him...there was just something that clicked and said to me he's special and get to know him. We finally got to talking at a mix n mingle where he invited me to a movie "Pirates of the Caribbean." It took a lot of coaxing on my part to get things going eventually. He was disfellowshipped and seven years my senior at the time. So his main focus was getting fellowshipped again and getting back to the temple so girls and dating seriously were not his priority. But within a few weeks I had him eating out of my hand and we were unofficially engaged. I know crazy, I figured it would be at least a year before I'd even think about marrying someone...oh well.

And how he came to be in Utah is pretty funny as well. He had followed down a girl that he'd been dating in Oregon. She came down to Utah for school and kind of was waiting for her missionary and dating my future hubby at the same time. He figured he was such an awesome guy he'd win her over, especially by following her down to Utah. Well, nope, she dropped him like a rock as soon as her missionary returned! So he stayed in Utah with some roommates and got a job and then met me a few months later and a few months after that we were married!

So I have a testimony that God put my hubby in my path and that at time he looks down on me for things I need even when I don't ask for them.

My History

2009-07-07T10:41:00.006-06:00

I was born and raised in Utah County, Utah as a Mormon. I was lucky enough to have a father was very open in his ideas and practices. I remember being in 8th grade and having a fellow classmate comment during Channel One that so and so was evil because they weren't Republican. I thought that was crazy! So I'm very grateful I didn't grow up with that mentality.

Lots of my struggles growing up have been with my family's mental illnesses. It's a pretty taboo subject in regular society let alone in the Church. Where we have agency and choices mental illness just doesn't make a lot of sense to people in the Church. Only my sister and I out of six kids have NOT tried to commit suicide at some point in our lives. I also include my mother who tried at least two times that I know of while I was a kid.

As a kid I didn't really have my mother around sort to speak, to help me out with issues I was having. I turned to my dad most of the time. But my mother finally got the help she needed and now with drugs and therapy she is doing amazingly awesome! Though, my siblings (not my one sister D) are not doing so great. One brother is in prison for doing some abusive things to his wife while in a psychotic state when they were married back in 1995. Another brother that can't hold a job because it's too stressful and he's too depressed to do much (though, he is now living with our uncle and going to school)! So he's a bit better than usual. And my other brother is living with our parents and paying child support and alimony to two ex-wives. My other sister, let's just say she is completely crazy! (She's a whole other post or two).

I learned from early on life isn't black and white; it's full of gray everywhere. I try not to judge others for we all are different and have certain circumstances and who am I to judge? It was really important for me to see my dad so strong in his testimony despite the craziness of life/his family. I had an example how to love the gospel while looking at the Church with the gray spectacles rather than the black and white ones so often used.

I feel I gained a strong testimony as a young child. I loved reading the scriptures with my dad, I enjoyed singing the Primary songs from the songbook. I received a very strong testimony of the Savior while singing "I Wonder When He Comes Again" to myself and by myself. I knew he loved and cared about me...though, that feeling is very hard to remember at times.

YW's was, for the most part, fun and enjoyable from what I remember. Though, I was never fond of Girl's camp. We never did anything but crafts and skits. I wanted to go to the Uintahs like the boys and "rough it." I also never got my Young Women's Recognition Award either. The bishop I had when I was putting my papers in for my mission asked me if was inactive in my teen years since I never got the Award. Nope, just never had the desire to get it.

So to make a long story short (I know, too late) (All of these things in my life will be posts later, but for now just touching on the highlights), I served a mission (which made me bit more of a cynic), returned and married, went to school at Portland State University (the best school experience ever, I'm so glad I went there), moved back to Utah and now have a five-month-old baby boy. So in between...the first time I went to the temple...I really tried to feel the spirit and enjoy what was going and the covenants I was making...but there were just a lot of things that bothered me. I was in tears in the CR with my mother, father, and brother. They tried to spin positive aspects for me to contemplate...so I try to, but it's been really hard. And then there was my mission, where I learned so much...Spanish, the love of another culture not my own, but where I also continued to feel guilty every single day I was out there because I could not measure whether it was not getting enough baptisms or teaching enough discussions or not learning the language well enough or talking to enough people throughout the day, etc (the list could go on), along with a mission president that was a retired colonel from the army and an ex-POW interrogator in the Vietnam War. He was very intimidating and more about rules and less about love and charity. Along with a wife that called me up to chew me out because I didn't call her about a skin problem I was having...So I came back more stressed out and cynical than before I went out.

I find the patriarchal ways of the Church unsettling. But I love how the Gospel makes me feel. I have felt the spirit and have felt God's love, though maybe not as often as I want to. That does give me some hope. But with the patriarchy of the Church does that mean I'm less since I'm a woman? Is my role in the next life a silent spouse behind my husband raising gazillions of spirit children? That doesn't sound very fair, equal, or exciting. And what if I don't make it, I'm doomed to be someone else's messenger for time and all eternity? I don't get to see my family, be with my husband? That sounds like hell to me. I enjoy relaxing and reading and learning...but from what has been described as the next life we're just buys bees with no time rest or relax. So...I guess my road to hell is paved with the best of intentions!

This Blog Is Anonymous

2009-07-01T14:16:00.003-06:00

I am keeping my real name to myself. This an anonymous blog because my friends and family just wouldn't understand my thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that I will attempt to convey here. Therefore, there will not be any personal pictures or identifying names.

I know there are a "million" Mormon blogs already out on the Internet that have a lot of topics covered and recovered. I'm writing here because I also need to write about what everyone else in Mormon sphere is writing about. It's great fun to comment, but I feel that my feelings, at least for myself, need to be conveyed in my own setting.

I will try be as accurate as possible. I haven't read every nugget of history of my Mormon culture. So I will admit that will color some of my ideas and feelings. Please feel free to show me where I can find references to either backup or contradict them (but please be gentle). So I really don't know if anyone else will find my blog that interesting compared to all the other ones that are already out there. So it's for me and for my journey and quest to find out where I fit and why and all of that stuff.